Stuck in this rut I can't get out of

Once again I am back in that rut. That same rut I was in when we broke up. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO OBSESSED OVER ONE GIRL?!

What went wrong? I have no idea as well. Now that I know she's attached, it seems to much easier to make the choice. I'll just continue being friends with her. Don't know if she's willing to continue being friends with me though. It's just that being lied to sucks. Despite me telling her that I believe her, deep down inside, I just know that she's lying.

I think this would really conclude the Alice saga. No way in hell are we going to ever be together again.

Now when I lie in bed, I end up not being able to sleep. I wonder how will I ever get out of this rut again.

Find a way back into love?

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

She played this song to me when we were in the car yesterday. I think I'm definitely reading too much into it, but still it gives me hope.

I'm really having a lot of fun with her at the moment, but I wonder why this sudden change from her? This is all so confusing.

I want to go to stay at her house before Tioman. but it's o weird, and I'm not sure how to get out of Remi's house arrangement. And seeing her mother and father will definitely be weird.

Sigh. AFC that's what I am.

Interesting?

I must say, it's been a pretty interesting few days.

1. I have asked her about the whole affair. I know why she decided to break up with me, and according to her, why she was with that other guy. I don't know how to view it. On one hand, elation that she didn't actually love him, but rather pitied him. But did she love me? I can't tell. Also I have no idea if she was lying about the whole thing in the first place. I can't help it. Everything that comes out of her mouth at the moment is suspicious. And yet I still like her. But on the other hand, what does that make her? Someone who can treat a relationship so callously. It scares me on the other hand.

2. She then asked me a very interesting question.
"If you close your eyes, who pops up? Me or her?" In reference to Rachel.
WHAT! I did that and it was her who popped up. Not to say Rachel was bad, but at the end of the day, Rachel made me frustrated more then happy.
But more importantly, what does it all mean? Why ask me such a question?

3. I told her I still liked her and she said she still liked me as well. Note it's like and not love. I should have asked her what sort of like it is. Play her mind games with her. Is it the "gf-bf" sort of like, or good friend sort of like?

Somehow these few days seem much happier to me. There seems to be a chance with her, or at least I'm getting to talk to her and go out with her. All these seem to make me pretty happy.

On a side note, I finally talked with that pretty girl who worked in my office space. Jeslyn's here name. :)

Not so confused

Not so confused right now, or even more confused? I guess I don't know, which would probably place me in the confused side...

For the past 2 days I have sent her an SMS each. She replied to each one and then when I replied, she didn't. Pretty obvious she wants to keep contact, but not get too close. Sigh. It reminds me of when we were at the end of the relationship.

I think she watched Music and Lyrics already, so I decided that I would go watch it myself, since there was no way I would be able to get her to watch it. It was actually good and a feel good movie at that, which went some way to helping me out of this current rut. I did feel good after the movie. But it also reminded me of the good times, when it would be the 2 of us watching it.

Now I'm considering going back into hiding from her. It hurts so much. I really haven't gotten over her. Why? She cheated on me. She cheated on others. So why do I still hold her so dear?

Today, this girl actually said "hello" to me. She was quite pretty and I guess in the past I did smile at her when I walked past. I did say "hi" back at her but stopped at that. Was I afraid to get to know another girl? I don't know. Or maybe I'm just shy.

God, why did this happen to me. Why couldn't I have just fallen in love with a girl and that be my last and only one.

God... how I wish...

Glad?

Here I am once again. I thought I would have placed this blog to rest. Or rather I could have placed this blog to rest. But in a way I'm glad I didn't as I would never have been able to dig it up again.

I thought I had gotten over her, but apparently not. One thing that Rachel said to me when we were still together is that I hadn't gotten over her. And it hurt, mainly because now that I think of it, it's true. I haven't gotten over her.

Yesterday we went to Vivocity. It was with a bunch of other friends and it was to watch an uninteresting movie, with a mediocre dinner and so-so drinks. But I think it was one of the happiest moments I have had for months. And I really really miss her.

But it's confusing. I've learnt that she actually cheated on me while we were together. Which makes me think that she cheated on her previous bf as well (which he blogged about and hence I know about it). But I still like(not love? I don't know) her.

I was chatting with another friend about her and said friend said she could not understand why so many guys would be willing to do so many things about her when they can see her for who she really is. I guess it's part of her charm which I am finding so much trouble getting out of. She managed to make you feel wanted, when a lot of other girls just come across as ice bitches.

Now I am really at a loss. I don't know what to do. I want to be with her and yet I know being with her will only lead to sorrow. She isn't the sort who will be tied down to one person. She is a social butterfly, friendly to everyone. I believe I have grown and matured as a person. I am no longer the clingy sort of person (as probably seem with Rachel, where I felt it was so tiring to meet everyday). Plus I have work which takes up my time and I can see how tired and probably frustrated she was working and I was studying. I do wonder what would happen. Is it possible? I'm so afraid at the moment. I went to sleep thinking of her and woke up thinking of her and them wishing for the oblivion of sleep. I don't want to keep thinking about her, and yet it's going to be so difficult.

God, I really wish to be with her...