Another dream

The dreams are coming thick and fast now. I'm really missing Starfish I guess.

This dream was about her coming to look for me. She didn't say much, but looked very haggard and down. I asked her why? Was it because she missed me. She burst out in tears and said yes. I hugged her and said that I missed her too. I asked her to be strong.

I think the important thing was that I told her, "You know that we can never be together again, right?"
"You should have thought about all these before doing the things that you did."

She ended up throwing a tantrum cause I wasn't giving in to her or doing things her way, and at that moment in time, my heart broke and I wanted her to be happy again. I didn't want her to be angry or unhappy. But I think equally importantly, I told her that I can be whatever we were before we broke off. I can keep her company, I can talk to her, I can go out and do things with her. But I will not be her boyfriend ever again. She had hurt me one too many times.

I guess I really miss her a lot. I really love her a lot. But at the end of the day, I have also come to realization that we can never be together ever again. I think it wouldn't hurt me so much right now in reality if she had actually shown that she was sad and missed me too. But that is sadly just a fantasy. She doesn't miss me. She had stopped loving me a long time ago. This breakup didn't hurt her as much as it hurt me.

I need to be positive. I need to stop wallowing in self pity. I need to pick myself up and move on with life. My life will be better without her.

Happiness.

Went to her place yesterday while she was out to see Bin Bin. Took him for a walk and played with him a little after that. Scratched his tummy. That was the first time I felt happy these couple of days.

I was wondering if I would break down going to her place. Apparently not. It would be very different if she were there, but since she was not, it wasn't so bad. I hope I can maintain that distinction. It seems that she really doesn't care anymore. I mean I know that, I just have to start to accept that. There will be no more next time. Relief? Sadness?

I think I really miss Bin Bin a lot. He had been a part of my life for almost a year. He was there with me while she was not. He does not judge. He licked my tears and tried to comfort me. I will make it a point to visit him often. He does not deserve this.

Dreams

I always end up having really weird dreams about her when we break up. This time was no different.

I dreamt that I finally got a call. Unfortunately, the call was from GC. However, it was her that was talking to me on the phone. She was with him and I could hear him in the background. She asked me if she could bring me to Indonesia for some fire festival, with him in the background telling her stuff about it.

My stomach churns thinking about it. It's so painful.

Bin Bin

What's gonna happen
Jie jie and Kor Kor are apart now
I'm staying with Jie jie
What about Kor Kor
I miss him already
I miss his scratches on my belly
I miss his smell
I miss my walks with him
I miss him calling me his "good boy", his "buddy"
I miss him giving me my weekly bath
I miss sitting on his lap while he drives

If only I were more evolved
I would say this is best for them
One is unhappy
The Other is unhappy cos one is unhappy
I want them happy
But I'll never forget that night when
I learnt that tears is salty and when
I scorned my uncanny ability of hearing

This was the poem she wrote for Bin Bin. I miss that silly little bugger. I miss her.

I wonder if she's just projecting her feelings onto Bin Bin, i.e. she misses my smell, my walks with her. I don't know.

My heart breaks seeing pictures like this. :(

Haha?

Well, what do you know? Here we are again. I had thought I would never have to use this blog again. I was happy. I thought she was happy. I was so wrong.

I found out that she was cheating on me. Again. Yes again. The feeling sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as knowing that she doesn't love me anymore. I had previously felt it, but attributed it to her being pissed that I didn't have time to spend with her due to my school work. I should have looked back and saw the danger signs.

Anyway, I ended up confronting her over it. I asked her to make a choice, which she refused. She didn't want to make a choice, but I feel that she had already made up her mind. She had stopped loving me already. She had not dumped me simply because she felt obligated and that she had done me wrong, and that she needed to by punished for it. Imagine that. Punished for it, implying that it was punishment to stay with me and that it was torturous to do so. That was painful.

I had long conversations with her, both on whatsapp and in person. Sometimes she gave me hope, at other times, she just didn't show anything, which hurt even more. She claimed that the other guy was not in the picture, and I sort of believed her. But at the same time, I felt that if he never came into the picture, I would still be together with Starfish.

But it sadly, isn't meant to be either. I mean, we could have still been together, but it would just have been covering over the cracks. I was more angry and pissed that she didn't communicate her anger and frustration at what I was doing. Why were we not having this conversation before? Why only have it now? She says that she didn't want to threaten to break up all the time and use emotional blackmail. I wished she had. I believe I could have at least tried harder. This is so hard to take.

The feeling of wanting to hold her hand and she not wanting to let me. The feeling of hugging her to sleep and not getting it reciprocated. Of saying that I missed her, only for her to say "ok". That hurt. I think she may have done it to make me lose morale and make the decision for her, and break up with her, when she herself did not have the guts to do it. But does it really matter now? It doesn't. :(

I still love her and would take her back anytime. But the outside pressure is now to great. It will never happen again. Everyone knows that she's broken up with me again. My parents would disown me if I ever got back with her. But you know what? I would still do it. I love her too much.

Maybe this is the love-struck, heart-broken boy speaking. But I don't really care. All I want is to love and be loved. But I was not loved anymore, so I had to leave. This hurts so much.

I wish her all the happiness in the world, I really hope that this new guy is the one. But even she is not sure. He's young. 21. Studying to be a doctor. And while he does things that makes her like him very much, I have serious misgivings about his character. Still I hope she's happy and things work out for her. She's no longer young and if things don't work out with him, it's going to be difficult to have kids for her. I know she loves kids and wants to have them, sadly, it's not with me.

I love her
I love her
I love her

On my own, pretending she's beside me.
All alone, I walk with her till morning.
Without her, I feel her arms around me.
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and she has found me.

Not every story has a happy ending and my story didn't end well.