Dreams

Been having lots of dreams about her recently. Most of them are about us being back together.

Last night was about seeing her new boyfriend mistreating her and not giving her enough TLC. She came back to me, but once again she does not tell the other guy. Once again I have to live a lie.

I need to get it into my head that we should not get back together but my heart will not allow it.

What's changed?

I don't get why the status matters so much to me. I'm basically in the same place I am with her before we broke up.

We talk every now and then, I could probably call her on the phone to talk to her every now and then. I'm sure if I get back to Singapore, I might get to spend some time with her on dates. So what's different? Nothing.

Except that she's no longer with me. So why does my heart hurt so much?

Closure

she finally smsed me telling me not to wait for her. She doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want me to be tied down to her. Told me to take care and will call me when she's ready to talk.

I'm heartbroken. But I was sort of expecting this so it wasn't as bad as I thought. At least I have some sort of closure right now.

I got to move on.

But I still love her too much.

Halp

I've been smsing her. I know I shouldn't. She gets frustrated. But I think I deserve this. After all, 3 years together isn't a short time. The things I did for her, the stuff I bought for her. Those must mean something!?

If we're to break up, I deserve at least a break up talk. If she wants me to wait, then I think I at least deserve to be told that as well. I just want to know.

Now she won't even tell me anything.

Dulling the pain

Had a drinking session with Eu yesterday. Really great friend that helped me through this tough time.

I know now why some people get pissed drunk to escape from reality. I was sad last night, but at least I could sleep properly.

But it doesn't really work, as the harsh realities came back this morning. I still could not have her.

Breakup Dream

I had this dream just now. Too vivid for my taste and I woke up sobbing.

She was there with her new guy. I met her by coincidence. Seems she has no way to run. I chatted a bit with them and excused myself. She then caught up with me.

She came up to me and hugged me. She placed her head on my chest like she does. It feels so comfortable.

I asked her,"So?"

"I just stopped loving you and wanted to get away."

"Why couldn't you just have told me?!", I screamed.

"You try it, it's not so easy"

"Fine... I wish you all the best then"

We continued walking. I looked at her. So resplendent, so pretty, so perfect. My heart aches for her. It pines for her. I blurted out, "Do I still have a chance in the future?"

She looked into my eyes and said simply, "No. You've already had your second chance"

I wake up crying.

Part of me is starting to accept my fate.

Job blame

Do I blame my job for putting me into such a situation?

I think to a certain extent I do. It certainly didn't play out the way I hoped it would.

My boss warned me during the interview that they have had people lose their relationships because of being overseas all the time. I thought we would be stronger then that. I thought that it would make her miss me more when I was back in Singapore and we could spend real quality time together. I thought that I could bring her along overseas and let her tour the world. I thought a lot of things. Not everything was true.

Part of the reason I took the job was so that I could earn more money and meet her 100K before marriage target. And looking at my bank balance, I am well on my way to doing that, perhaps even reaching it early. But what's the point of having that money if I don't have her. It's sickens the stomach.

I would willing quit my job and give up all my money just to be with her.

Closure

I need closure desperately. I need it bad. But I'll never get it until I've had that talk with her.

Email to her

This is what I wanted to send:

I really hate to pressure you as I know you hate it as well. I know you're going through something tough right now.

But I'm going back to Mel in a few days time and if I don't get this off my chest, I'll feel really lousy.

I don't know the whole story, and you're not likely to tell me anytime soon. I have always maintained that I just want you to be happy and that is still the case. Despite the outburst in Hong Kong, I don't even blame you for it. We were always in agreement that you were free to date around if you so chose it. I wasn't around enough for you when you needed someone. I think the calls back to you came at too late a time. I can't blame you if you accepted someone else to replace me.

Anyway, the way I see it right now, there are a few things that I need to say.

I would like to know my status with you. What ever you want, I'll just accept it and move on from there. You want me to be your friend only? Fine. I'll just be a normal friend. You want me to remain your best friend, I would want that. I have always felt most comfortable with you and talking to you. And I still think that you feel the same way about me. Maybe not the most exciting, but you are always very comfortable around me. You want me to be your boyfriend? I'll absolutely love that. You want me to just be your future husband? Anything to be with you for the rest of my life. You want me to just leave you alone? I can do that as well. I just want to know so I can have some sort of closure.

If you're undecided about who to choose, I'll fight for the right to be close to you. The times I spent with you for these 2 years were among the best I've had. We're had our arguments, but I could really have seen myself spending the rest of my life with you. All I wanted was to earn enough money so that I could do just that. Things didn't work out as I expected though. Even the best laid plans can go to waste.

But I haven't. Don't know why. I half suspect that it'll just make it worse.

I've sent her another SMS asking her about when the talk can be done and what my status is to her. No reply yet. Maybe I should just walk away now before my heart is shattered beyond repair.

Should I run away?

Asked her out for lunch and she hasn't replied. Most likely busy. Part of me is wishing that I didn't call her out and that I could just live the lie. At least I would still get to see her every now and then, that is until she decides to break up with me again.

I really should let go, walk away, protect myself. But I can't. I still love her.

Confused

Day 2. Still can't get over it. Fucking confused right now. I just want to know where I stand with her. Should I be waiting for good news from her? Am I just a friend? Still her boyfriend? Or still just a potential husband to be?

Really crushed by this. First gf. 3 years together. This will not be easy to get over. And the problem is, I don't even know if I should be trying to get over it.

Going crazy.

It's now day 2 since I last knew about it. Calming down a bit, but it still hurts so much. The worst part is that I'll be leaving in a few days and once I'm not in Singapore, I fear all hope will be lost.

She's been pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. If she just wants to be friends, why can't she just say so? If she wants to be with me, then say so. I really just want closure.

This really sucks. Should I have lived a lie and just ignore that she was with the other guy? Could I? I actually think I might.

Polyamourous?

To give some perspective on what she has actually done.

She cheated on me when we were first together. With 2 other guys. She ends up with Guy A.

She then cheats on Guy A to be back together with me.

Now she is once again cheating one me to be with this other guy.

But I still love her.

Resurfacing

Just when I thought this blog could be laid to rest.

I have come back here to read the entries that I wrote last time and thought about the shit that happened. But I was happy cause I was back with her. We lasted for more then 2 years this time. A record when it comes to her I guess. (I know a gap exist in between these posts, but yeah, we got together and since I was happy, I saw no need to post anything here)

Sad to say, I am here once again, writing into a diary held in the internet that no one actually reads. But I need to get this off my chest.

It started innocently enough. A family day out with pictures taken. But what's this? A family photo, but who was actually taking it? Knowing her, it wouldn't have been a passer by.

Then a comment on one of the photos, "Congrats on your new relationship". She acts blur, and I try to rescue her, or give her a way out. And she took it, playing up the fact that she was in a FB relationship with JH.

Then there was this time I called her at night. She told me she was at home, but there wasn't the usual sounds of talking and TV that you hear at her house. And after talking for a while, she abruptly says she needs to go. Methinks she was at his house.

And then it starts to get really suspicious when she starts posting that she's really happy on FB. And when I ask her about it says she'll tell me when I'm back in SG.

And then I start seeing her close friends being very close to this guy and that was when the suspicion started to get a bit more real.

And then I ask her to take some time off to go HK with me but she says she can only make the weekend. I ask her to share the hotel room with me, but she says she's staying with her relative. And the next thing I knew, she said she was going to be spending a week there with a friend and that they were going to be staying in the same hotel room.

And when we're in HK, she doesn't want to spend time with me, but rather with that guy. And then it hit me, she didn't love me anymore.