I've done it.

Or at least I think. I've finally really decided to let go. Maybe.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly in a very good state of mind now. Seeing pictures of her on facebook with her new beau hurts me more then I care to admit. She never brought me for these sort of things. Why? She finally cares about someone to let then world know they are together. Not for any of her previous bfs. I wonder why again.

I've deleted her from my contact list on FB. I don't think she'll even notice. Next step is to delete her from MSN, but I can't really bring myself to do that yet. Gimme some more time...

Down again

Been having dreams about her consecutively for the past 2 days. I thought I was over it. Apparently I'm not.

The dreams range from her coming back to me, to dreams where she tells me no more. I am heartbroken and I cannot deny it. Talking to other girls just makes the difference between them and her so much greater. I really love her. Looking at her pictures that she sent me, I could tell she loved me as well. What changed? I like to say I don't know, but deep down I know.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

Starfish, I miss you and I love you still.

Who do I dream of now

She asked me once, when I close my eyes, who did I see. It was her, it was always her and it still is.

And yet, last night, I didn't dream of her. I dreamt of the air pronunciation classes. The only thing that turns me on more then an asian girl speaking with a british accent is an asian girl speaking with an oirish accent.

What did the dream mean? It probably hints that I need someone to talk to and that I had shared a relationship with the stewardness where we could talk very closely.

But right now, when I close my eyes, I can only see her.

How I Feel

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - Breakeven lyrics

Sinking feeling

This sinking feeling in my stomach. The feeling that I will never know
her touch again, never feel her soft lips upon mine, never stare into
the her eyes, never tell her how perfectly her hand fits mine, never
smell the sweet fragrances of her hair, never meld her body to mine.

I feel like vomitting while eating but I have no choice. I must eat to live. :(

--
Sent from my mobile device

Time will dull all wounds

A friend told me that time will heal all wounds.

Another told me that's not true. Time will dull all wounds. The wounds will always be there.

This can only be very true for my case.

She was my first gf. She stole my first kiss. She will always have that special place in my heart. If I get another girl friend, I wont' be able to love that gf 100% cause at least 1% will always be with her.

It's not fair. To anyone I eventually be with. But I cannot, I will not go back to her. I have decided as much. So help me, if the time comes, I can be strong.

Of dreams and sobbing

Had another dream about her last night.

We basically met up to have the talk. She told me that she grew bored and has stopped loving me a long time ago. In fact she had dated my cousin and another friend behind my back. It hurt so bad.

I asked her if we could remain as friends and all she said was, "For what? I'm bored of you." and she walked away before I could say anything further.

I cried so hard that I woke up sobbing. I've woken up with tears in my eyes, but this is the first time I've woken up actually physically sobbing away. It hurts so bad.

I still love her but I must let go.

I need to have closure from the talk but I don't know when I can get it.

Why? I don't understand why.

2 Weeks

It's been almost 2 weeks since I learnt that she doesn't want me anymore. I am swinging between hating her so much to missing her so much.

I hate her cause she cheated on me. She cheated on other guys. I wonder how many other guys are there out there that I do not know of. Was CS one as well? She didn't spend time with me. She lied constantly. She didn't like to have sex (with me?) She just didn't love me as much as I loved her.

But I love her and miss her cause she was perfect for me. I wonder if there is anyone out there who can meet the standards that she fits. She's pretty and smart. She unicycles. She loves Neil Gaiman. She is geeky in her own way. She's beautiful and intelligent, sporty and geeky. I love her so much.

But I must not, can not look back. I must protect myself. I must not let myself get hurt by her again. I must not let my heart be shattered anymore. I love you but I cannot be with you. I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, telling her I love you, but I cannot be with you, for you have hurt me too badly.