First

Her name is always the first name I look for on MSN. Her friendster profile is always the first page I open when I surf the net. Her blog (long deceased) is the next and then her sister's.

I really miss her a lot. And I still love her.

Slipping into oblivion.

It seems to be getting worse. My thoughts keep turning towards death and suicide. Images of slitting my wrist flash across my mind. My heart aches everywhere. There are just too many memories.

A cursory look at MSN shows that others are having the same problems. How many people out there are heart broken? My scenario might be pretty bad by normal standards, but I'm sure there are people out there who have to deal with extra-marital affairs etc. Your partner for life having another person. I don't think I would be able to handle such a thing. A small setback like this has already affected me so much.

Do I need help? I'm starting to think I am. Yet at the same time, a part of me tells me how stupid I am. I shaked my head when an army mate tried to commit suicide when his girlfriend broke up with him. Yet now I am having the same thoughts. Someone help me. I don't know who to turn to.

Sure people are sympathetic, and I'm sure some people understand my feelings enough. Yet everyone is apathetic, not raising a finger to help. I know that one should help oneself but I just feel so desolate. There seems to be no meaning in life. I want to retreat into my shell and have no contact with the outside world at all. Having fun doesn't seem to have any meaning anymore. It takes my mind away for a while and dulls the pain. But the pain is always back. Help. I need help.

More pain to dull the pain. Slitting my wrist? No idea. It sounds foolish, and yet strangely tempting.

Oh what fools we mortals be.

I just want her to be happy.

Don't know if I'm getting over it. Seems less pain now. A part of me is however still unwilling to let go, to forget, to find closure.

She seems to be turning up for unicycling activities a lot more now. Ever since we broke up. Was it because of me that she was avoiding unicycling? I have no idea.

I can't really talk to her now. It's still too painful. I don't want to see her either, it's also too painful.

Last hockey session, I saw her ride past me. Did she see me? I have no idea. I ended up avoiding her until I could do it no more when the game started. And I just didn't have the heart to play.

I ended up hiding on a staircase landing in a pretty deserted building on the top of a hill. I could look down through the trees and see her. I could see most of the courts, but I ended up only having eyes for her. It was nice to see her so happy. The guy who also had a complicated relationship with her was also there. He blogged not too long ago that he still loves her and just wants her to be happy.

It's the same for me. I still love her and can't forget her. I don't want to.

I wonder if I should wait, wait till she's either available once again or has found someone else. It's more likely that she'll find someone else. She's like that.

I guess for me, I have the fear that I'll just end up alone when I'm old. I really want someone to be there with me. And I don't think it can/will be her. But as long as there is a glimer of hope, I will be like a drowning man, clutching at straws in the hope that it will keep me afloat. To lose all hope would be to die.

As was put so aptly in Dante's Peak, the sign above hell reads
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter"

If I lose hope, then it will be the end of me.

What to do?

She has stated that she's going for the ride.

I really want to go for the ride, but the thought of seeing her is pretty much unbearable. Should I or should I not go.

Why am I in such a position. Why couldn't I have been born some Cassanova and be able to forget women at will. Yesterday night I even dreamt about the girl that I had a crush for in JC.

I think I'm going to be stuck in depression for the rest of my life.

Re-appearance

Why did she have to turn up today?
WHY WHY WHY?

It hurts so bad just to see her.

I thought she wouldn't turn up. She hasn't turned up in months. Why now?

Why after we have broken up?

Thoughts of suicide are running through my head. What can stop the pain?

ARRRGGHHHH.....

A silent scream which no one can hear. Invinsible arms banging against the wall. Heart bleeding in vain.

I need help.

Obsession

I just can't seem to stop thinking about her.

Reading our past MSN chat logs, seeing her pictures. Am I starting to obsess over her? I fear I am. I try to forget about what happened, to put it out of mind. But everywhere I go brings back such painful memories.

I really feel like just curling up into a fetal position or hiding under a table and not having to face all these. It's just too painful.

The idea of quiting Team Uni is getting more and more tempting. I don't think I can see her another time.

The idea of quiting unicycling on a whole is getting more and more tempting as well. What am I to do?

----

She was online the whole night and never did she talk to me. She claims to want to remain as friends. But...

So confused now.

Public -> Private

I had orginally placed this under public blogs, perhaps in secret hope that someone from unicycling would read it and understand my feelings. But I had promised that this secret could not be told and I will continue keeping it.

Although I keep thinking to myself. WHY? Why do I still keep a promise with someone who has forsaken me. Why do I continue to force myself to remain as friends with her even though I would like to never see her again?

----

I'm contemplating writing an email to the group to tell them to allow me a haitus. A disguised haitus in which I can then slowly remove myself from the group so that I can never have to see her again. More lies forced upon me? I could just tell everything. Perhaps a side of me still wants to be with her and doing so would only jepordise that chance.

---

Do I even want to be back with her? I don't know. Too confused at the moment. I could tell that towards the end, that the feeling was gone from her. Not wanting to hold my hand. Not wanting to talk till the wee hours of the night. Going clubbing with her friends instead of going out with me on V. Day. Why love someone who does not love you?

They say love works in strange ways. How true. No matter how badly I was treated. The temper tantrums I had to suffer. The lies I had to tell. I still love(ed?) her. Now I can see why some women who are abused by their husbands still stand by them.

Would it have been a happy life for me. Rationaly, no. The fact that she refused to go public already says quite a lot. I sometimes wonder if had married her would she still try to continue on with the lie. I shudder to think of the answer I know so well.

----

Ironic that while we were having that meeting on that day that a similar story happened to another friend. He said he asked a girl out and she brought her boyfriend and her dog. Comments included how stupid that was and pretty rude as well.

Well I had to go out with her and 2 other guys and I couldn't even be nice to her. To show that I cared for her. That was how deep the lie went. They could appear at her workplace to have lunch and dinner with her on her birthday and I had to wait till after midnight before I saw her.

My birthday was the same. Worse was that she asked the other 2 guys along (1 guy had a car and thus could fetch her around and she said that was why she asked him along). But it hurt so bad.

----

I think I've complained more then enough in this post. Maybe I'll talk about the whole story in another post. Feeling more and more depressed. Yet writing this all down has somewhat helped to calm me down and clear my thoughts.

Hopefully I can look back at this some day in the future and laugh at it.

Confused

I thought I was over it, but seeing her again just made me depressed. She didn't even seem to be affected at all. Did all the times and moments we shared mean nothing?

I could barely look at her without feeling like breaking down. I feel like I never want to see her EVER again, and yet I can't help but say I still love her.

I feel like quiting unicycling and Team Uni and just leaving all these painful memories behind. I love unicycling and have so many obligations in Team Uni that I can't just walk away. But is it really worth all these pain?

Do i really have to remain as close friends with her? I only agreed because of all she had done for me. Or was she just toying with my feelings, treating me as her plaything? I feel so empty now.

A friend asked my how I was and I replied

"I can't afford to die"

Which is all I can say. I feel like escaping from all these pain and just leaving it behind. But I have obligations to my family. I have to repay them for bringing me up. I have to let them live a comfortable life. I can't just walk away.

They say time heals all wounds. But I'm a sentimental idiot. I cling on to things that I should let go. I'm one of those funny people that like old stuff better then new stuff. When will I be able to let go?