I've got a crush!

Hmmm seems like I've got a crush.

You know, the typical symptoms.

The world stopping, the sun shines brighter, your heart skips a beat when she smiles at you. You go gaga when talking to her, trying desperately not to mess up.

She's got lots of things that I really admire. We shall have to see how things go. Some things are holding me back, rather major things in fact.

It might end up just being a crush.

Or it might lead to something new.

Exciting times.

Good news?I

I still am obsessed about her. I still think about her. I still love her. But maybe, just maybe, I am finally over her.

I dreamed of her last night. I dreamed that she was coming on the me. The new guy was in the background, yet she still threw herself at me. She said that I was her dada. I rebutted that I wasn't anymore. She left. I didn't wake up crying. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally say that I am over her.

Mmmmm

I would like to think that I'm over her. It doesn't hurt as much these days. But I still miss her so much. 3 years together can't just be erased just like that.

I've had another 2 consecutive nights dreaming about her. At least I don't wake up sobbing.

The first dream was just a simple dream. She came back. She said that she had broken up with the other guy. Haha, as if. But it felt blissful.

The second dream was just her appearing in my life again, and attempting to give me the talk. She just said that she missed me when I was gone and that when another guy turned up in her life wearing a red shirt (his facebook pic is of him wearing a red shirt), she just latched on to that guy. 

I don't really know what to make of it. I want to move on, to try to befriend other girls and maybe find someone else, but somehow, I know my heart just isn't in it. I'll only be doing it for the sake of doing it.

I guess I need a little more time.

I've done it.

Or at least I think. I've finally really decided to let go. Maybe.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly in a very good state of mind now. Seeing pictures of her on facebook with her new beau hurts me more then I care to admit. She never brought me for these sort of things. Why? She finally cares about someone to let then world know they are together. Not for any of her previous bfs. I wonder why again.

I've deleted her from my contact list on FB. I don't think she'll even notice. Next step is to delete her from MSN, but I can't really bring myself to do that yet. Gimme some more time...

Who do I dream of now

She asked me once, when I close my eyes, who did I see. It was her, it was always her and it still is.

And yet, last night, I didn't dream of her. I dreamt of the air pronunciation classes. The only thing that turns me on more then an asian girl speaking with a british accent is an asian girl speaking with an oirish accent.

What did the dream mean? It probably hints that I need someone to talk to and that I had shared a relationship with the stewardness where we could talk very closely.

But right now, when I close my eyes, I can only see her.

Time will dull all wounds

A friend told me that time will heal all wounds.

Another told me that's not true. Time will dull all wounds. The wounds will always be there.

This can only be very true for my case.

She was my first gf. She stole my first kiss. She will always have that special place in my heart. If I get another girl friend, I wont' be able to love that gf 100% cause at least 1% will always be with her.

It's not fair. To anyone I eventually be with. But I cannot, I will not go back to her. I have decided as much. So help me, if the time comes, I can be strong.

Closure

she finally smsed me telling me not to wait for her. She doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want me to be tied down to her. Told me to take care and will call me when she's ready to talk.

I'm heartbroken. But I was sort of expecting this so it wasn't as bad as I thought. At least I have some sort of closure right now.

I got to move on.

But I still love her too much.