My little sis.

I guess this entry means that this blog will not just be about her. It will be about entries that I do not feel comfortable letting other people see. It will be entries that show me stripped bare at my most vunerable.

This entry will be about my little sister. She got married today. Of course I'm happy for her and glad that she won't be left on the shelf. Alas, it is also tinged with a lot of sadness. She's moving out to stay with her husband. I mean I've stayed with her for 24 years of my life. I'm really going to miss having her around.

I will always remember the fun I had with her when we were kids. I guess her tom-boyish-ness should be my fault as I led her on one male testosterone filled game after another when we were kids. I remember one incident where I lead her to fake taking a bath, even with fake shouts of fighting that we normally had when we were bathing together. The time taken to fake the whole thing and effort required were probably even more then taking an actual bath, but we had a blast.

I remember building castles using cushions and thread and bringing her on cycling trips to the playground. I remember playing make believe soldiers and monsters and being the monster so she could have fun killing me. I remember making her play with me even when all she wanted was to play with her dolls.

But things changed. I remember the incident that caused us to grow apart. So much so that the rift never really recovered and I never enjoyed a close relationship with my sister when we grew up. We never really confided in each other and never really spoke much. If I could turn back time, I would go back and reverse what I did that day and hope that things would have been different.

I remember that we were arguing, about what I remember not, but we ended up pushing each other and 1 particular shove from me caused her to fall back upon a cupboard and injure her ankle. She was furious with me for months and I couldn't be bothered to talk to her either. And since that fateful day, we just drifted apart.

I have always cared for her and loved her in my own way. I probably could have shown it a little better. But what's done is done, and I shall have to try to have a better relationship with her in the future.

In my heart, she is still the young little baby sister that I always had fun with. I will always remember her as such.

Right now I am fighting back tears and wishing that she was right here in the house with us all.

Ger, mei mei, ying zhao, I will miss you dearly.

Down again

Been having dreams about her consecutively for the past 2 days. I thought I was over it. Apparently I'm not.

The dreams range from her coming back to me, to dreams where she tells me no more. I am heartbroken and I cannot deny it. Talking to other girls just makes the difference between them and her so much greater. I really love her. Looking at her pictures that she sent me, I could tell she loved me as well. What changed? I like to say I don't know, but deep down I know.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

Starfish, I miss you and I love you still.

Who do I dream of now

She asked me once, when I close my eyes, who did I see. It was her, it was always her and it still is.

And yet, last night, I didn't dream of her. I dreamt of the air pronunciation classes. The only thing that turns me on more then an asian girl speaking with a british accent is an asian girl speaking with an oirish accent.

What did the dream mean? It probably hints that I need someone to talk to and that I had shared a relationship with the stewardness where we could talk very closely.

But right now, when I close my eyes, I can only see her.

How I Feel

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - Breakeven lyrics

Of dreams and sobbing

Had another dream about her last night.

We basically met up to have the talk. She told me that she grew bored and has stopped loving me a long time ago. In fact she had dated my cousin and another friend behind my back. It hurt so bad.

I asked her if we could remain as friends and all she said was, "For what? I'm bored of you." and she walked away before I could say anything further.

I cried so hard that I woke up sobbing. I've woken up with tears in my eyes, but this is the first time I've woken up actually physically sobbing away. It hurts so bad.

I still love her but I must let go.

I need to have closure from the talk but I don't know when I can get it.

Why? I don't understand why.

2 Weeks

It's been almost 2 weeks since I learnt that she doesn't want me anymore. I am swinging between hating her so much to missing her so much.

I hate her cause she cheated on me. She cheated on other guys. I wonder how many other guys are there out there that I do not know of. Was CS one as well? She didn't spend time with me. She lied constantly. She didn't like to have sex (with me?) She just didn't love me as much as I loved her.

But I love her and miss her cause she was perfect for me. I wonder if there is anyone out there who can meet the standards that she fits. She's pretty and smart. She unicycles. She loves Neil Gaiman. She is geeky in her own way. She's beautiful and intelligent, sporty and geeky. I love her so much.

But I must not, can not look back. I must protect myself. I must not let myself get hurt by her again. I must not let my heart be shattered anymore. I love you but I cannot be with you. I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, telling her I love you, but I cannot be with you, for you have hurt me too badly.

Dreams

Been having lots of dreams about her recently. Most of them are about us being back together.

Last night was about seeing her new boyfriend mistreating her and not giving her enough TLC. She came back to me, but once again she does not tell the other guy. Once again I have to live a lie.

I need to get it into my head that we should not get back together but my heart will not allow it.

What's changed?

I don't get why the status matters so much to me. I'm basically in the same place I am with her before we broke up.

We talk every now and then, I could probably call her on the phone to talk to her every now and then. I'm sure if I get back to Singapore, I might get to spend some time with her on dates. So what's different? Nothing.

Except that she's no longer with me. So why does my heart hurt so much?

Halp

I've been smsing her. I know I shouldn't. She gets frustrated. But I think I deserve this. After all, 3 years together isn't a short time. The things I did for her, the stuff I bought for her. Those must mean something!?

If we're to break up, I deserve at least a break up talk. If she wants me to wait, then I think I at least deserve to be told that as well. I just want to know.

Now she won't even tell me anything.

Dulling the pain

Had a drinking session with Eu yesterday. Really great friend that helped me through this tough time.

I know now why some people get pissed drunk to escape from reality. I was sad last night, but at least I could sleep properly.

But it doesn't really work, as the harsh realities came back this morning. I still could not have her.

Job blame

Do I blame my job for putting me into such a situation?

I think to a certain extent I do. It certainly didn't play out the way I hoped it would.

My boss warned me during the interview that they have had people lose their relationships because of being overseas all the time. I thought we would be stronger then that. I thought that it would make her miss me more when I was back in Singapore and we could spend real quality time together. I thought that I could bring her along overseas and let her tour the world. I thought a lot of things. Not everything was true.

Part of the reason I took the job was so that I could earn more money and meet her 100K before marriage target. And looking at my bank balance, I am well on my way to doing that, perhaps even reaching it early. But what's the point of having that money if I don't have her. It's sickens the stomach.

I would willing quit my job and give up all my money just to be with her.

Email to her

This is what I wanted to send:

I really hate to pressure you as I know you hate it as well. I know you're going through something tough right now.

But I'm going back to Mel in a few days time and if I don't get this off my chest, I'll feel really lousy.

I don't know the whole story, and you're not likely to tell me anytime soon. I have always maintained that I just want you to be happy and that is still the case. Despite the outburst in Hong Kong, I don't even blame you for it. We were always in agreement that you were free to date around if you so chose it. I wasn't around enough for you when you needed someone. I think the calls back to you came at too late a time. I can't blame you if you accepted someone else to replace me.

Anyway, the way I see it right now, there are a few things that I need to say.

I would like to know my status with you. What ever you want, I'll just accept it and move on from there. You want me to be your friend only? Fine. I'll just be a normal friend. You want me to remain your best friend, I would want that. I have always felt most comfortable with you and talking to you. And I still think that you feel the same way about me. Maybe not the most exciting, but you are always very comfortable around me. You want me to be your boyfriend? I'll absolutely love that. You want me to just be your future husband? Anything to be with you for the rest of my life. You want me to just leave you alone? I can do that as well. I just want to know so I can have some sort of closure.

If you're undecided about who to choose, I'll fight for the right to be close to you. The times I spent with you for these 2 years were among the best I've had. We're had our arguments, but I could really have seen myself spending the rest of my life with you. All I wanted was to earn enough money so that I could do just that. Things didn't work out as I expected though. Even the best laid plans can go to waste.

But I haven't. Don't know why. I half suspect that it'll just make it worse.

I've sent her another SMS asking her about when the talk can be done and what my status is to her. No reply yet. Maybe I should just walk away now before my heart is shattered beyond repair.

Should I run away?

Asked her out for lunch and she hasn't replied. Most likely busy. Part of me is wishing that I didn't call her out and that I could just live the lie. At least I would still get to see her every now and then, that is until she decides to break up with me again.

I really should let go, walk away, protect myself. But I can't. I still love her.

Confused

Day 2. Still can't get over it. Fucking confused right now. I just want to know where I stand with her. Should I be waiting for good news from her? Am I just a friend? Still her boyfriend? Or still just a potential husband to be?

Really crushed by this. First gf. 3 years together. This will not be easy to get over. And the problem is, I don't even know if I should be trying to get over it.

Going crazy.

It's now day 2 since I last knew about it. Calming down a bit, but it still hurts so much. The worst part is that I'll be leaving in a few days and once I'm not in Singapore, I fear all hope will be lost.

She's been pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. If she just wants to be friends, why can't she just say so? If she wants to be with me, then say so. I really just want closure.

This really sucks. Should I have lived a lie and just ignore that she was with the other guy? Could I? I actually think I might.

Polyamourous?

To give some perspective on what she has actually done.

She cheated on me when we were first together. With 2 other guys. She ends up with Guy A.

She then cheats on Guy A to be back together with me.

Now she is once again cheating one me to be with this other guy.

But I still love her.

Resurfacing

Just when I thought this blog could be laid to rest.

I have come back here to read the entries that I wrote last time and thought about the shit that happened. But I was happy cause I was back with her. We lasted for more then 2 years this time. A record when it comes to her I guess. (I know a gap exist in between these posts, but yeah, we got together and since I was happy, I saw no need to post anything here)

Sad to say, I am here once again, writing into a diary held in the internet that no one actually reads. But I need to get this off my chest.

It started innocently enough. A family day out with pictures taken. But what's this? A family photo, but who was actually taking it? Knowing her, it wouldn't have been a passer by.

Then a comment on one of the photos, "Congrats on your new relationship". She acts blur, and I try to rescue her, or give her a way out. And she took it, playing up the fact that she was in a FB relationship with JH.

Then there was this time I called her at night. She told me she was at home, but there wasn't the usual sounds of talking and TV that you hear at her house. And after talking for a while, she abruptly says she needs to go. Methinks she was at his house.

And then it starts to get really suspicious when she starts posting that she's really happy on FB. And when I ask her about it says she'll tell me when I'm back in SG.

And then I start seeing her close friends being very close to this guy and that was when the suspicion started to get a bit more real.

And then I ask her to take some time off to go HK with me but she says she can only make the weekend. I ask her to share the hotel room with me, but she says she's staying with her relative. And the next thing I knew, she said she was going to be spending a week there with a friend and that they were going to be staying in the same hotel room.

And when we're in HK, she doesn't want to spend time with me, but rather with that guy. And then it hit me, she didn't love me anymore.