Haha?

Well, what do you know? Here we are again. I had thought I would never have to use this blog again. I was happy. I thought she was happy. I was so wrong.

I found out that she was cheating on me. Again. Yes again. The feeling sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as knowing that she doesn't love me anymore. I had previously felt it, but attributed it to her being pissed that I didn't have time to spend with her due to my school work. I should have looked back and saw the danger signs.

Anyway, I ended up confronting her over it. I asked her to make a choice, which she refused. She didn't want to make a choice, but I feel that she had already made up her mind. She had stopped loving me already. She had not dumped me simply because she felt obligated and that she had done me wrong, and that she needed to by punished for it. Imagine that. Punished for it, implying that it was punishment to stay with me and that it was torturous to do so. That was painful.

I had long conversations with her, both on whatsapp and in person. Sometimes she gave me hope, at other times, she just didn't show anything, which hurt even more. She claimed that the other guy was not in the picture, and I sort of believed her. But at the same time, I felt that if he never came into the picture, I would still be together with Starfish.

But it sadly, isn't meant to be either. I mean, we could have still been together, but it would just have been covering over the cracks. I was more angry and pissed that she didn't communicate her anger and frustration at what I was doing. Why were we not having this conversation before? Why only have it now? She says that she didn't want to threaten to break up all the time and use emotional blackmail. I wished she had. I believe I could have at least tried harder. This is so hard to take.

The feeling of wanting to hold her hand and she not wanting to let me. The feeling of hugging her to sleep and not getting it reciprocated. Of saying that I missed her, only for her to say "ok". That hurt. I think she may have done it to make me lose morale and make the decision for her, and break up with her, when she herself did not have the guts to do it. But does it really matter now? It doesn't. :(

I still love her and would take her back anytime. But the outside pressure is now to great. It will never happen again. Everyone knows that she's broken up with me again. My parents would disown me if I ever got back with her. But you know what? I would still do it. I love her too much.

Maybe this is the love-struck, heart-broken boy speaking. But I don't really care. All I want is to love and be loved. But I was not loved anymore, so I had to leave. This hurts so much.

I wish her all the happiness in the world, I really hope that this new guy is the one. But even she is not sure. He's young. 21. Studying to be a doctor. And while he does things that makes her like him very much, I have serious misgivings about his character. Still I hope she's happy and things work out for her. She's no longer young and if things don't work out with him, it's going to be difficult to have kids for her. I know she loves kids and wants to have them, sadly, it's not with me.

I love her
I love her
I love her

On my own, pretending she's beside me.
All alone, I walk with her till morning.
Without her, I feel her arms around me.
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and she has found me.

Not every story has a happy ending and my story didn't end well.