Public -> Private

I had orginally placed this under public blogs, perhaps in secret hope that someone from unicycling would read it and understand my feelings. But I had promised that this secret could not be told and I will continue keeping it.

Although I keep thinking to myself. WHY? Why do I still keep a promise with someone who has forsaken me. Why do I continue to force myself to remain as friends with her even though I would like to never see her again?

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I'm contemplating writing an email to the group to tell them to allow me a haitus. A disguised haitus in which I can then slowly remove myself from the group so that I can never have to see her again. More lies forced upon me? I could just tell everything. Perhaps a side of me still wants to be with her and doing so would only jepordise that chance.

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Do I even want to be back with her? I don't know. Too confused at the moment. I could tell that towards the end, that the feeling was gone from her. Not wanting to hold my hand. Not wanting to talk till the wee hours of the night. Going clubbing with her friends instead of going out with me on V. Day. Why love someone who does not love you?

They say love works in strange ways. How true. No matter how badly I was treated. The temper tantrums I had to suffer. The lies I had to tell. I still love(ed?) her. Now I can see why some women who are abused by their husbands still stand by them.

Would it have been a happy life for me. Rationaly, no. The fact that she refused to go public already says quite a lot. I sometimes wonder if had married her would she still try to continue on with the lie. I shudder to think of the answer I know so well.

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Ironic that while we were having that meeting on that day that a similar story happened to another friend. He said he asked a girl out and she brought her boyfriend and her dog. Comments included how stupid that was and pretty rude as well.

Well I had to go out with her and 2 other guys and I couldn't even be nice to her. To show that I cared for her. That was how deep the lie went. They could appear at her workplace to have lunch and dinner with her on her birthday and I had to wait till after midnight before I saw her.

My birthday was the same. Worse was that she asked the other 2 guys along (1 guy had a car and thus could fetch her around and she said that was why she asked him along). But it hurt so bad.

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I think I've complained more then enough in this post. Maybe I'll talk about the whole story in another post. Feeling more and more depressed. Yet writing this all down has somewhat helped to calm me down and clear my thoughts.

Hopefully I can look back at this some day in the future and laugh at it.