I've got a crush!

Hmmm seems like I've got a crush.

You know, the typical symptoms.

The world stopping, the sun shines brighter, your heart skips a beat when she smiles at you. You go gaga when talking to her, trying desperately not to mess up.

She's got lots of things that I really admire. We shall have to see how things go. Some things are holding me back, rather major things in fact.

It might end up just being a crush.

Or it might lead to something new.

Exciting times.

My little sis.

I guess this entry means that this blog will not just be about her. It will be about entries that I do not feel comfortable letting other people see. It will be entries that show me stripped bare at my most vunerable.

This entry will be about my little sister. She got married today. Of course I'm happy for her and glad that she won't be left on the shelf. Alas, it is also tinged with a lot of sadness. She's moving out to stay with her husband. I mean I've stayed with her for 24 years of my life. I'm really going to miss having her around.

I will always remember the fun I had with her when we were kids. I guess her tom-boyish-ness should be my fault as I led her on one male testosterone filled game after another when we were kids. I remember one incident where I lead her to fake taking a bath, even with fake shouts of fighting that we normally had when we were bathing together. The time taken to fake the whole thing and effort required were probably even more then taking an actual bath, but we had a blast.

I remember building castles using cushions and thread and bringing her on cycling trips to the playground. I remember playing make believe soldiers and monsters and being the monster so she could have fun killing me. I remember making her play with me even when all she wanted was to play with her dolls.

But things changed. I remember the incident that caused us to grow apart. So much so that the rift never really recovered and I never enjoyed a close relationship with my sister when we grew up. We never really confided in each other and never really spoke much. If I could turn back time, I would go back and reverse what I did that day and hope that things would have been different.

I remember that we were arguing, about what I remember not, but we ended up pushing each other and 1 particular shove from me caused her to fall back upon a cupboard and injure her ankle. She was furious with me for months and I couldn't be bothered to talk to her either. And since that fateful day, we just drifted apart.

I have always cared for her and loved her in my own way. I probably could have shown it a little better. But what's done is done, and I shall have to try to have a better relationship with her in the future.

In my heart, she is still the young little baby sister that I always had fun with. I will always remember her as such.

Right now I am fighting back tears and wishing that she was right here in the house with us all.

Ger, mei mei, ying zhao, I will miss you dearly.

Weird

Today a friend told me he saw her a few days back. He said he saw here at Kallang having supper with a friend. He does not know the story at all.

It was weird that he just said that she was eating with a friend. Cause I mentioned that Kallang was where the new bf stays and he said, almost as an afterthought, that "Yeah, it was probably her bf".

She rarely had supper with me. :(

She rarely has supper near my place with me. :(

Somehow this news affected me more then I wanted it to. I can tell I am not really over her yet. It's sad. Ah well, I need to just move on. She obviously already has.

I miss her.

Good news?I

I still am obsessed about her. I still think about her. I still love her. But maybe, just maybe, I am finally over her.

I dreamed of her last night. I dreamed that she was coming on the me. The new guy was in the background, yet she still threw herself at me. She said that I was her dada. I rebutted that I wasn't anymore. She left. I didn't wake up crying. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally say that I am over her.

Mmmmm

I would like to think that I'm over her. It doesn't hurt as much these days. But I still miss her so much. 3 years together can't just be erased just like that.

I've had another 2 consecutive nights dreaming about her. At least I don't wake up sobbing.

The first dream was just a simple dream. She came back. She said that she had broken up with the other guy. Haha, as if. But it felt blissful.

The second dream was just her appearing in my life again, and attempting to give me the talk. She just said that she missed me when I was gone and that when another guy turned up in her life wearing a red shirt (his facebook pic is of him wearing a red shirt), she just latched on to that guy. 

I don't really know what to make of it. I want to move on, to try to befriend other girls and maybe find someone else, but somehow, I know my heart just isn't in it. I'll only be doing it for the sake of doing it.

I guess I need a little more time.

I've done it.

Or at least I think. I've finally really decided to let go. Maybe.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly in a very good state of mind now. Seeing pictures of her on facebook with her new beau hurts me more then I care to admit. She never brought me for these sort of things. Why? She finally cares about someone to let then world know they are together. Not for any of her previous bfs. I wonder why again.

I've deleted her from my contact list on FB. I don't think she'll even notice. Next step is to delete her from MSN, but I can't really bring myself to do that yet. Gimme some more time...

Down again

Been having dreams about her consecutively for the past 2 days. I thought I was over it. Apparently I'm not.

The dreams range from her coming back to me, to dreams where she tells me no more. I am heartbroken and I cannot deny it. Talking to other girls just makes the difference between them and her so much greater. I really love her. Looking at her pictures that she sent me, I could tell she loved me as well. What changed? I like to say I don't know, but deep down I know.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

Starfish, I miss you and I love you still.

Who do I dream of now

She asked me once, when I close my eyes, who did I see. It was her, it was always her and it still is.

And yet, last night, I didn't dream of her. I dreamt of the air pronunciation classes. The only thing that turns me on more then an asian girl speaking with a british accent is an asian girl speaking with an oirish accent.

What did the dream mean? It probably hints that I need someone to talk to and that I had shared a relationship with the stewardness where we could talk very closely.

But right now, when I close my eyes, I can only see her.

How I Feel

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - Breakeven lyrics

Sinking feeling

This sinking feeling in my stomach. The feeling that I will never know
her touch again, never feel her soft lips upon mine, never stare into
the her eyes, never tell her how perfectly her hand fits mine, never
smell the sweet fragrances of her hair, never meld her body to mine.

I feel like vomitting while eating but I have no choice. I must eat to live. :(

--
Sent from my mobile device

Time will dull all wounds

A friend told me that time will heal all wounds.

Another told me that's not true. Time will dull all wounds. The wounds will always be there.

This can only be very true for my case.

She was my first gf. She stole my first kiss. She will always have that special place in my heart. If I get another girl friend, I wont' be able to love that gf 100% cause at least 1% will always be with her.

It's not fair. To anyone I eventually be with. But I cannot, I will not go back to her. I have decided as much. So help me, if the time comes, I can be strong.

Of dreams and sobbing

Had another dream about her last night.

We basically met up to have the talk. She told me that she grew bored and has stopped loving me a long time ago. In fact she had dated my cousin and another friend behind my back. It hurt so bad.

I asked her if we could remain as friends and all she said was, "For what? I'm bored of you." and she walked away before I could say anything further.

I cried so hard that I woke up sobbing. I've woken up with tears in my eyes, but this is the first time I've woken up actually physically sobbing away. It hurts so bad.

I still love her but I must let go.

I need to have closure from the talk but I don't know when I can get it.

Why? I don't understand why.

2 Weeks

It's been almost 2 weeks since I learnt that she doesn't want me anymore. I am swinging between hating her so much to missing her so much.

I hate her cause she cheated on me. She cheated on other guys. I wonder how many other guys are there out there that I do not know of. Was CS one as well? She didn't spend time with me. She lied constantly. She didn't like to have sex (with me?) She just didn't love me as much as I loved her.

But I love her and miss her cause she was perfect for me. I wonder if there is anyone out there who can meet the standards that she fits. She's pretty and smart. She unicycles. She loves Neil Gaiman. She is geeky in her own way. She's beautiful and intelligent, sporty and geeky. I love her so much.

But I must not, can not look back. I must protect myself. I must not let myself get hurt by her again. I must not let my heart be shattered anymore. I love you but I cannot be with you. I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, telling her I love you, but I cannot be with you, for you have hurt me too badly.

Dreams

Been having lots of dreams about her recently. Most of them are about us being back together.

Last night was about seeing her new boyfriend mistreating her and not giving her enough TLC. She came back to me, but once again she does not tell the other guy. Once again I have to live a lie.

I need to get it into my head that we should not get back together but my heart will not allow it.

What's changed?

I don't get why the status matters so much to me. I'm basically in the same place I am with her before we broke up.

We talk every now and then, I could probably call her on the phone to talk to her every now and then. I'm sure if I get back to Singapore, I might get to spend some time with her on dates. So what's different? Nothing.

Except that she's no longer with me. So why does my heart hurt so much?

Closure

she finally smsed me telling me not to wait for her. She doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want me to be tied down to her. Told me to take care and will call me when she's ready to talk.

I'm heartbroken. But I was sort of expecting this so it wasn't as bad as I thought. At least I have some sort of closure right now.

I got to move on.

But I still love her too much.

Halp

I've been smsing her. I know I shouldn't. She gets frustrated. But I think I deserve this. After all, 3 years together isn't a short time. The things I did for her, the stuff I bought for her. Those must mean something!?

If we're to break up, I deserve at least a break up talk. If she wants me to wait, then I think I at least deserve to be told that as well. I just want to know.

Now she won't even tell me anything.

Dulling the pain

Had a drinking session with Eu yesterday. Really great friend that helped me through this tough time.

I know now why some people get pissed drunk to escape from reality. I was sad last night, but at least I could sleep properly.

But it doesn't really work, as the harsh realities came back this morning. I still could not have her.

Breakup Dream

I had this dream just now. Too vivid for my taste and I woke up sobbing.

She was there with her new guy. I met her by coincidence. Seems she has no way to run. I chatted a bit with them and excused myself. She then caught up with me.

She came up to me and hugged me. She placed her head on my chest like she does. It feels so comfortable.

I asked her,"So?"

"I just stopped loving you and wanted to get away."

"Why couldn't you just have told me?!", I screamed.

"You try it, it's not so easy"

"Fine... I wish you all the best then"

We continued walking. I looked at her. So resplendent, so pretty, so perfect. My heart aches for her. It pines for her. I blurted out, "Do I still have a chance in the future?"

She looked into my eyes and said simply, "No. You've already had your second chance"

I wake up crying.

Part of me is starting to accept my fate.

Job blame

Do I blame my job for putting me into such a situation?

I think to a certain extent I do. It certainly didn't play out the way I hoped it would.

My boss warned me during the interview that they have had people lose their relationships because of being overseas all the time. I thought we would be stronger then that. I thought that it would make her miss me more when I was back in Singapore and we could spend real quality time together. I thought that I could bring her along overseas and let her tour the world. I thought a lot of things. Not everything was true.

Part of the reason I took the job was so that I could earn more money and meet her 100K before marriage target. And looking at my bank balance, I am well on my way to doing that, perhaps even reaching it early. But what's the point of having that money if I don't have her. It's sickens the stomach.

I would willing quit my job and give up all my money just to be with her.