I've done it.

Or at least I think. I've finally really decided to let go. Maybe.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly in a very good state of mind now. Seeing pictures of her on facebook with her new beau hurts me more then I care to admit. She never brought me for these sort of things. Why? She finally cares about someone to let then world know they are together. Not for any of her previous bfs. I wonder why again.

I've deleted her from my contact list on FB. I don't think she'll even notice. Next step is to delete her from MSN, but I can't really bring myself to do that yet. Gimme some more time...

Down again

Been having dreams about her consecutively for the past 2 days. I thought I was over it. Apparently I'm not.

The dreams range from her coming back to me, to dreams where she tells me no more. I am heartbroken and I cannot deny it. Talking to other girls just makes the difference between them and her so much greater. I really love her. Looking at her pictures that she sent me, I could tell she loved me as well. What changed? I like to say I don't know, but deep down I know.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

Starfish, I miss you and I love you still.

Who do I dream of now

She asked me once, when I close my eyes, who did I see. It was her, it was always her and it still is.

And yet, last night, I didn't dream of her. I dreamt of the air pronunciation classes. The only thing that turns me on more then an asian girl speaking with a british accent is an asian girl speaking with an oirish accent.

What did the dream mean? It probably hints that I need someone to talk to and that I had shared a relationship with the stewardness where we could talk very closely.

But right now, when I close my eyes, I can only see her.

How I Feel

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - Breakeven lyrics

Sinking feeling

This sinking feeling in my stomach. The feeling that I will never know
her touch again, never feel her soft lips upon mine, never stare into
the her eyes, never tell her how perfectly her hand fits mine, never
smell the sweet fragrances of her hair, never meld her body to mine.

I feel like vomitting while eating but I have no choice. I must eat to live. :(

--
Sent from my mobile device

Time will dull all wounds

A friend told me that time will heal all wounds.

Another told me that's not true. Time will dull all wounds. The wounds will always be there.

This can only be very true for my case.

She was my first gf. She stole my first kiss. She will always have that special place in my heart. If I get another girl friend, I wont' be able to love that gf 100% cause at least 1% will always be with her.

It's not fair. To anyone I eventually be with. But I cannot, I will not go back to her. I have decided as much. So help me, if the time comes, I can be strong.

Of dreams and sobbing

Had another dream about her last night.

We basically met up to have the talk. She told me that she grew bored and has stopped loving me a long time ago. In fact she had dated my cousin and another friend behind my back. It hurt so bad.

I asked her if we could remain as friends and all she said was, "For what? I'm bored of you." and she walked away before I could say anything further.

I cried so hard that I woke up sobbing. I've woken up with tears in my eyes, but this is the first time I've woken up actually physically sobbing away. It hurts so bad.

I still love her but I must let go.

I need to have closure from the talk but I don't know when I can get it.

Why? I don't understand why.

2 Weeks

It's been almost 2 weeks since I learnt that she doesn't want me anymore. I am swinging between hating her so much to missing her so much.

I hate her cause she cheated on me. She cheated on other guys. I wonder how many other guys are there out there that I do not know of. Was CS one as well? She didn't spend time with me. She lied constantly. She didn't like to have sex (with me?) She just didn't love me as much as I loved her.

But I love her and miss her cause she was perfect for me. I wonder if there is anyone out there who can meet the standards that she fits. She's pretty and smart. She unicycles. She loves Neil Gaiman. She is geeky in her own way. She's beautiful and intelligent, sporty and geeky. I love her so much.

But I must not, can not look back. I must protect myself. I must not let myself get hurt by her again. I must not let my heart be shattered anymore. I love you but I cannot be with you. I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, telling her I love you, but I cannot be with you, for you have hurt me too badly.

Dreams

Been having lots of dreams about her recently. Most of them are about us being back together.

Last night was about seeing her new boyfriend mistreating her and not giving her enough TLC. She came back to me, but once again she does not tell the other guy. Once again I have to live a lie.

I need to get it into my head that we should not get back together but my heart will not allow it.

What's changed?

I don't get why the status matters so much to me. I'm basically in the same place I am with her before we broke up.

We talk every now and then, I could probably call her on the phone to talk to her every now and then. I'm sure if I get back to Singapore, I might get to spend some time with her on dates. So what's different? Nothing.

Except that she's no longer with me. So why does my heart hurt so much?

Closure

she finally smsed me telling me not to wait for her. She doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want me to be tied down to her. Told me to take care and will call me when she's ready to talk.

I'm heartbroken. But I was sort of expecting this so it wasn't as bad as I thought. At least I have some sort of closure right now.

I got to move on.

But I still love her too much.

Halp

I've been smsing her. I know I shouldn't. She gets frustrated. But I think I deserve this. After all, 3 years together isn't a short time. The things I did for her, the stuff I bought for her. Those must mean something!?

If we're to break up, I deserve at least a break up talk. If she wants me to wait, then I think I at least deserve to be told that as well. I just want to know.

Now she won't even tell me anything.

Dulling the pain

Had a drinking session with Eu yesterday. Really great friend that helped me through this tough time.

I know now why some people get pissed drunk to escape from reality. I was sad last night, but at least I could sleep properly.

But it doesn't really work, as the harsh realities came back this morning. I still could not have her.

Breakup Dream

I had this dream just now. Too vivid for my taste and I woke up sobbing.

She was there with her new guy. I met her by coincidence. Seems she has no way to run. I chatted a bit with them and excused myself. She then caught up with me.

She came up to me and hugged me. She placed her head on my chest like she does. It feels so comfortable.

I asked her,"So?"

"I just stopped loving you and wanted to get away."

"Why couldn't you just have told me?!", I screamed.

"You try it, it's not so easy"

"Fine... I wish you all the best then"

We continued walking. I looked at her. So resplendent, so pretty, so perfect. My heart aches for her. It pines for her. I blurted out, "Do I still have a chance in the future?"

She looked into my eyes and said simply, "No. You've already had your second chance"

I wake up crying.

Part of me is starting to accept my fate.

Job blame

Do I blame my job for putting me into such a situation?

I think to a certain extent I do. It certainly didn't play out the way I hoped it would.

My boss warned me during the interview that they have had people lose their relationships because of being overseas all the time. I thought we would be stronger then that. I thought that it would make her miss me more when I was back in Singapore and we could spend real quality time together. I thought that I could bring her along overseas and let her tour the world. I thought a lot of things. Not everything was true.

Part of the reason I took the job was so that I could earn more money and meet her 100K before marriage target. And looking at my bank balance, I am well on my way to doing that, perhaps even reaching it early. But what's the point of having that money if I don't have her. It's sickens the stomach.

I would willing quit my job and give up all my money just to be with her.

Closure

I need closure desperately. I need it bad. But I'll never get it until I've had that talk with her.

Email to her

This is what I wanted to send:

I really hate to pressure you as I know you hate it as well. I know you're going through something tough right now.

But I'm going back to Mel in a few days time and if I don't get this off my chest, I'll feel really lousy.

I don't know the whole story, and you're not likely to tell me anytime soon. I have always maintained that I just want you to be happy and that is still the case. Despite the outburst in Hong Kong, I don't even blame you for it. We were always in agreement that you were free to date around if you so chose it. I wasn't around enough for you when you needed someone. I think the calls back to you came at too late a time. I can't blame you if you accepted someone else to replace me.

Anyway, the way I see it right now, there are a few things that I need to say.

I would like to know my status with you. What ever you want, I'll just accept it and move on from there. You want me to be your friend only? Fine. I'll just be a normal friend. You want me to remain your best friend, I would want that. I have always felt most comfortable with you and talking to you. And I still think that you feel the same way about me. Maybe not the most exciting, but you are always very comfortable around me. You want me to be your boyfriend? I'll absolutely love that. You want me to just be your future husband? Anything to be with you for the rest of my life. You want me to just leave you alone? I can do that as well. I just want to know so I can have some sort of closure.

If you're undecided about who to choose, I'll fight for the right to be close to you. The times I spent with you for these 2 years were among the best I've had. We're had our arguments, but I could really have seen myself spending the rest of my life with you. All I wanted was to earn enough money so that I could do just that. Things didn't work out as I expected though. Even the best laid plans can go to waste.

But I haven't. Don't know why. I half suspect that it'll just make it worse.

I've sent her another SMS asking her about when the talk can be done and what my status is to her. No reply yet. Maybe I should just walk away now before my heart is shattered beyond repair.

Should I run away?

Asked her out for lunch and she hasn't replied. Most likely busy. Part of me is wishing that I didn't call her out and that I could just live the lie. At least I would still get to see her every now and then, that is until she decides to break up with me again.

I really should let go, walk away, protect myself. But I can't. I still love her.

Confused

Day 2. Still can't get over it. Fucking confused right now. I just want to know where I stand with her. Should I be waiting for good news from her? Am I just a friend? Still her boyfriend? Or still just a potential husband to be?

Really crushed by this. First gf. 3 years together. This will not be easy to get over. And the problem is, I don't even know if I should be trying to get over it.

Going crazy.

It's now day 2 since I last knew about it. Calming down a bit, but it still hurts so much. The worst part is that I'll be leaving in a few days and once I'm not in Singapore, I fear all hope will be lost.

She's been pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. If she just wants to be friends, why can't she just say so? If she wants to be with me, then say so. I really just want closure.

This really sucks. Should I have lived a lie and just ignore that she was with the other guy? Could I? I actually think I might.