Find a way back into love?

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

She played this song to me when we were in the car yesterday. I think I'm definitely reading too much into it, but still it gives me hope.

I'm really having a lot of fun with her at the moment, but I wonder why this sudden change from her? This is all so confusing.

I want to go to stay at her house before Tioman. but it's o weird, and I'm not sure how to get out of Remi's house arrangement. And seeing her mother and father will definitely be weird.

Sigh. AFC that's what I am.

Interesting?

I must say, it's been a pretty interesting few days.

1. I have asked her about the whole affair. I know why she decided to break up with me, and according to her, why she was with that other guy. I don't know how to view it. On one hand, elation that she didn't actually love him, but rather pitied him. But did she love me? I can't tell. Also I have no idea if she was lying about the whole thing in the first place. I can't help it. Everything that comes out of her mouth at the moment is suspicious. And yet I still like her. But on the other hand, what does that make her? Someone who can treat a relationship so callously. It scares me on the other hand.

2. She then asked me a very interesting question.
"If you close your eyes, who pops up? Me or her?" In reference to Rachel.
WHAT! I did that and it was her who popped up. Not to say Rachel was bad, but at the end of the day, Rachel made me frustrated more then happy.
But more importantly, what does it all mean? Why ask me such a question?

3. I told her I still liked her and she said she still liked me as well. Note it's like and not love. I should have asked her what sort of like it is. Play her mind games with her. Is it the "gf-bf" sort of like, or good friend sort of like?

Somehow these few days seem much happier to me. There seems to be a chance with her, or at least I'm getting to talk to her and go out with her. All these seem to make me pretty happy.

On a side note, I finally talked with that pretty girl who worked in my office space. Jeslyn's here name. :)

Not so confused

Not so confused right now, or even more confused? I guess I don't know, which would probably place me in the confused side...

For the past 2 days I have sent her an SMS each. She replied to each one and then when I replied, she didn't. Pretty obvious she wants to keep contact, but not get too close. Sigh. It reminds me of when we were at the end of the relationship.

I think she watched Music and Lyrics already, so I decided that I would go watch it myself, since there was no way I would be able to get her to watch it. It was actually good and a feel good movie at that, which went some way to helping me out of this current rut. I did feel good after the movie. But it also reminded me of the good times, when it would be the 2 of us watching it.

Now I'm considering going back into hiding from her. It hurts so much. I really haven't gotten over her. Why? She cheated on me. She cheated on others. So why do I still hold her so dear?

Today, this girl actually said "hello" to me. She was quite pretty and I guess in the past I did smile at her when I walked past. I did say "hi" back at her but stopped at that. Was I afraid to get to know another girl? I don't know. Or maybe I'm just shy.

God, why did this happen to me. Why couldn't I have just fallen in love with a girl and that be my last and only one.

God... how I wish...

Glad?

Here I am once again. I thought I would have placed this blog to rest. Or rather I could have placed this blog to rest. But in a way I'm glad I didn't as I would never have been able to dig it up again.

I thought I had gotten over her, but apparently not. One thing that Rachel said to me when we were still together is that I hadn't gotten over her. And it hurt, mainly because now that I think of it, it's true. I haven't gotten over her.

Yesterday we went to Vivocity. It was with a bunch of other friends and it was to watch an uninteresting movie, with a mediocre dinner and so-so drinks. But I think it was one of the happiest moments I have had for months. And I really really miss her.

But it's confusing. I've learnt that she actually cheated on me while we were together. Which makes me think that she cheated on her previous bf as well (which he blogged about and hence I know about it). But I still like(not love? I don't know) her.

I was chatting with another friend about her and said friend said she could not understand why so many guys would be willing to do so many things about her when they can see her for who she really is. I guess it's part of her charm which I am finding so much trouble getting out of. She managed to make you feel wanted, when a lot of other girls just come across as ice bitches.

Now I am really at a loss. I don't know what to do. I want to be with her and yet I know being with her will only lead to sorrow. She isn't the sort who will be tied down to one person. She is a social butterfly, friendly to everyone. I believe I have grown and matured as a person. I am no longer the clingy sort of person (as probably seem with Rachel, where I felt it was so tiring to meet everyday). Plus I have work which takes up my time and I can see how tired and probably frustrated she was working and I was studying. I do wonder what would happen. Is it possible? I'm so afraid at the moment. I went to sleep thinking of her and woke up thinking of her and them wishing for the oblivion of sleep. I don't want to keep thinking about her, and yet it's going to be so difficult.

God, I really wish to be with her...

Confused

She's like the bane of my life, yet I still love her. Wonder what I did in my previous life to deserve this?

Absolutely confused right now. What does she want?

She doesn't say anything when I say I want to go after her again. And yet when I ask her out for a movie, she brings her suitor along. Ok, it means that she wants me to back off, right? But no, during the movie, she places a bag between herself and the guy. What does this mean? It's all so confusing now. How much more of this can I take?

Really confused now..

I just read a post on the blog of this guy. He was according to her, a very close friend, but she was never attached to him.

Now on his post, he's claiming that they were together and that they broke up and that she orchestrated it. She seeked out a new guy while they were together. The thought of that just pains me.

Was everything about her false? What did I really know about her?

I don't know whoes word to trust now?

Looking at her family, I can't see how she turned out this way, but somehow, what the guys wrote rings true. Stuff she said, stuff she does, it makes me think that she really is a schemeing person and because I still love her, I really don't know what to do...

How much of what she said was true? I really don't know.

I thought I was getting over it. But this new revelation turns everything upside down. Was I being used?

In total disarray now. Mind in turmoil. I need someone to talk to.

First

Her name is always the first name I look for on MSN. Her friendster profile is always the first page I open when I surf the net. Her blog (long deceased) is the next and then her sister's.

I really miss her a lot. And I still love her.

Slipping into oblivion.

It seems to be getting worse. My thoughts keep turning towards death and suicide. Images of slitting my wrist flash across my mind. My heart aches everywhere. There are just too many memories.

A cursory look at MSN shows that others are having the same problems. How many people out there are heart broken? My scenario might be pretty bad by normal standards, but I'm sure there are people out there who have to deal with extra-marital affairs etc. Your partner for life having another person. I don't think I would be able to handle such a thing. A small setback like this has already affected me so much.

Do I need help? I'm starting to think I am. Yet at the same time, a part of me tells me how stupid I am. I shaked my head when an army mate tried to commit suicide when his girlfriend broke up with him. Yet now I am having the same thoughts. Someone help me. I don't know who to turn to.

Sure people are sympathetic, and I'm sure some people understand my feelings enough. Yet everyone is apathetic, not raising a finger to help. I know that one should help oneself but I just feel so desolate. There seems to be no meaning in life. I want to retreat into my shell and have no contact with the outside world at all. Having fun doesn't seem to have any meaning anymore. It takes my mind away for a while and dulls the pain. But the pain is always back. Help. I need help.

More pain to dull the pain. Slitting my wrist? No idea. It sounds foolish, and yet strangely tempting.

Oh what fools we mortals be.

I just want her to be happy.

Don't know if I'm getting over it. Seems less pain now. A part of me is however still unwilling to let go, to forget, to find closure.

She seems to be turning up for unicycling activities a lot more now. Ever since we broke up. Was it because of me that she was avoiding unicycling? I have no idea.

I can't really talk to her now. It's still too painful. I don't want to see her either, it's also too painful.

Last hockey session, I saw her ride past me. Did she see me? I have no idea. I ended up avoiding her until I could do it no more when the game started. And I just didn't have the heart to play.

I ended up hiding on a staircase landing in a pretty deserted building on the top of a hill. I could look down through the trees and see her. I could see most of the courts, but I ended up only having eyes for her. It was nice to see her so happy. The guy who also had a complicated relationship with her was also there. He blogged not too long ago that he still loves her and just wants her to be happy.

It's the same for me. I still love her and can't forget her. I don't want to.

I wonder if I should wait, wait till she's either available once again or has found someone else. It's more likely that she'll find someone else. She's like that.

I guess for me, I have the fear that I'll just end up alone when I'm old. I really want someone to be there with me. And I don't think it can/will be her. But as long as there is a glimer of hope, I will be like a drowning man, clutching at straws in the hope that it will keep me afloat. To lose all hope would be to die.

As was put so aptly in Dante's Peak, the sign above hell reads
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter"

If I lose hope, then it will be the end of me.

What to do?

She has stated that she's going for the ride.

I really want to go for the ride, but the thought of seeing her is pretty much unbearable. Should I or should I not go.

Why am I in such a position. Why couldn't I have been born some Cassanova and be able to forget women at will. Yesterday night I even dreamt about the girl that I had a crush for in JC.

I think I'm going to be stuck in depression for the rest of my life.

Re-appearance

Why did she have to turn up today?
WHY WHY WHY?

It hurts so bad just to see her.

I thought she wouldn't turn up. She hasn't turned up in months. Why now?

Why after we have broken up?

Thoughts of suicide are running through my head. What can stop the pain?

ARRRGGHHHH.....

A silent scream which no one can hear. Invinsible arms banging against the wall. Heart bleeding in vain.

I need help.

Obsession

I just can't seem to stop thinking about her.

Reading our past MSN chat logs, seeing her pictures. Am I starting to obsess over her? I fear I am. I try to forget about what happened, to put it out of mind. But everywhere I go brings back such painful memories.

I really feel like just curling up into a fetal position or hiding under a table and not having to face all these. It's just too painful.

The idea of quiting Team Uni is getting more and more tempting. I don't think I can see her another time.

The idea of quiting unicycling on a whole is getting more and more tempting as well. What am I to do?

----

She was online the whole night and never did she talk to me. She claims to want to remain as friends. But...

So confused now.

Public -> Private

I had orginally placed this under public blogs, perhaps in secret hope that someone from unicycling would read it and understand my feelings. But I had promised that this secret could not be told and I will continue keeping it.

Although I keep thinking to myself. WHY? Why do I still keep a promise with someone who has forsaken me. Why do I continue to force myself to remain as friends with her even though I would like to never see her again?

----

I'm contemplating writing an email to the group to tell them to allow me a haitus. A disguised haitus in which I can then slowly remove myself from the group so that I can never have to see her again. More lies forced upon me? I could just tell everything. Perhaps a side of me still wants to be with her and doing so would only jepordise that chance.

---

Do I even want to be back with her? I don't know. Too confused at the moment. I could tell that towards the end, that the feeling was gone from her. Not wanting to hold my hand. Not wanting to talk till the wee hours of the night. Going clubbing with her friends instead of going out with me on V. Day. Why love someone who does not love you?

They say love works in strange ways. How true. No matter how badly I was treated. The temper tantrums I had to suffer. The lies I had to tell. I still love(ed?) her. Now I can see why some women who are abused by their husbands still stand by them.

Would it have been a happy life for me. Rationaly, no. The fact that she refused to go public already says quite a lot. I sometimes wonder if had married her would she still try to continue on with the lie. I shudder to think of the answer I know so well.

----

Ironic that while we were having that meeting on that day that a similar story happened to another friend. He said he asked a girl out and she brought her boyfriend and her dog. Comments included how stupid that was and pretty rude as well.

Well I had to go out with her and 2 other guys and I couldn't even be nice to her. To show that I cared for her. That was how deep the lie went. They could appear at her workplace to have lunch and dinner with her on her birthday and I had to wait till after midnight before I saw her.

My birthday was the same. Worse was that she asked the other 2 guys along (1 guy had a car and thus could fetch her around and she said that was why she asked him along). But it hurt so bad.

----

I think I've complained more then enough in this post. Maybe I'll talk about the whole story in another post. Feeling more and more depressed. Yet writing this all down has somewhat helped to calm me down and clear my thoughts.

Hopefully I can look back at this some day in the future and laugh at it.

Confused

I thought I was over it, but seeing her again just made me depressed. She didn't even seem to be affected at all. Did all the times and moments we shared mean nothing?

I could barely look at her without feeling like breaking down. I feel like I never want to see her EVER again, and yet I can't help but say I still love her.

I feel like quiting unicycling and Team Uni and just leaving all these painful memories behind. I love unicycling and have so many obligations in Team Uni that I can't just walk away. But is it really worth all these pain?

Do i really have to remain as close friends with her? I only agreed because of all she had done for me. Or was she just toying with my feelings, treating me as her plaything? I feel so empty now.

A friend asked my how I was and I replied

"I can't afford to die"

Which is all I can say. I feel like escaping from all these pain and just leaving it behind. But I have obligations to my family. I have to repay them for bringing me up. I have to let them live a comfortable life. I can't just walk away.

They say time heals all wounds. But I'm a sentimental idiot. I cling on to things that I should let go. I'm one of those funny people that like old stuff better then new stuff. When will I be able to let go?