What's changed?

I don't get why the status matters so much to me. I'm basically in the same place I am with her before we broke up.

We talk every now and then, I could probably call her on the phone to talk to her every now and then. I'm sure if I get back to Singapore, I might get to spend some time with her on dates. So what's different? Nothing.

Except that she's no longer with me. So why does my heart hurt so much?

Closure

she finally smsed me telling me not to wait for her. She doesn't know what she wants and doesn't want me to be tied down to her. Told me to take care and will call me when she's ready to talk.

I'm heartbroken. But I was sort of expecting this so it wasn't as bad as I thought. At least I have some sort of closure right now.

I got to move on.

But I still love her too much.

Halp

I've been smsing her. I know I shouldn't. She gets frustrated. But I think I deserve this. After all, 3 years together isn't a short time. The things I did for her, the stuff I bought for her. Those must mean something!?

If we're to break up, I deserve at least a break up talk. If she wants me to wait, then I think I at least deserve to be told that as well. I just want to know.

Now she won't even tell me anything.

Dulling the pain

Had a drinking session with Eu yesterday. Really great friend that helped me through this tough time.

I know now why some people get pissed drunk to escape from reality. I was sad last night, but at least I could sleep properly.

But it doesn't really work, as the harsh realities came back this morning. I still could not have her.

Breakup Dream

I had this dream just now. Too vivid for my taste and I woke up sobbing.

She was there with her new guy. I met her by coincidence. Seems she has no way to run. I chatted a bit with them and excused myself. She then caught up with me.

She came up to me and hugged me. She placed her head on my chest like she does. It feels so comfortable.

I asked her,"So?"

"I just stopped loving you and wanted to get away."

"Why couldn't you just have told me?!", I screamed.

"You try it, it's not so easy"

"Fine... I wish you all the best then"

We continued walking. I looked at her. So resplendent, so pretty, so perfect. My heart aches for her. It pines for her. I blurted out, "Do I still have a chance in the future?"

She looked into my eyes and said simply, "No. You've already had your second chance"

I wake up crying.

Part of me is starting to accept my fate.

Job blame

Do I blame my job for putting me into such a situation?

I think to a certain extent I do. It certainly didn't play out the way I hoped it would.

My boss warned me during the interview that they have had people lose their relationships because of being overseas all the time. I thought we would be stronger then that. I thought that it would make her miss me more when I was back in Singapore and we could spend real quality time together. I thought that I could bring her along overseas and let her tour the world. I thought a lot of things. Not everything was true.

Part of the reason I took the job was so that I could earn more money and meet her 100K before marriage target. And looking at my bank balance, I am well on my way to doing that, perhaps even reaching it early. But what's the point of having that money if I don't have her. It's sickens the stomach.

I would willing quit my job and give up all my money just to be with her.

Closure

I need closure desperately. I need it bad. But I'll never get it until I've had that talk with her.

Email to her

This is what I wanted to send:

I really hate to pressure you as I know you hate it as well. I know you're going through something tough right now.

But I'm going back to Mel in a few days time and if I don't get this off my chest, I'll feel really lousy.

I don't know the whole story, and you're not likely to tell me anytime soon. I have always maintained that I just want you to be happy and that is still the case. Despite the outburst in Hong Kong, I don't even blame you for it. We were always in agreement that you were free to date around if you so chose it. I wasn't around enough for you when you needed someone. I think the calls back to you came at too late a time. I can't blame you if you accepted someone else to replace me.

Anyway, the way I see it right now, there are a few things that I need to say.

I would like to know my status with you. What ever you want, I'll just accept it and move on from there. You want me to be your friend only? Fine. I'll just be a normal friend. You want me to remain your best friend, I would want that. I have always felt most comfortable with you and talking to you. And I still think that you feel the same way about me. Maybe not the most exciting, but you are always very comfortable around me. You want me to be your boyfriend? I'll absolutely love that. You want me to just be your future husband? Anything to be with you for the rest of my life. You want me to just leave you alone? I can do that as well. I just want to know so I can have some sort of closure.

If you're undecided about who to choose, I'll fight for the right to be close to you. The times I spent with you for these 2 years were among the best I've had. We're had our arguments, but I could really have seen myself spending the rest of my life with you. All I wanted was to earn enough money so that I could do just that. Things didn't work out as I expected though. Even the best laid plans can go to waste.

But I haven't. Don't know why. I half suspect that it'll just make it worse.

I've sent her another SMS asking her about when the talk can be done and what my status is to her. No reply yet. Maybe I should just walk away now before my heart is shattered beyond repair.

Should I run away?

Asked her out for lunch and she hasn't replied. Most likely busy. Part of me is wishing that I didn't call her out and that I could just live the lie. At least I would still get to see her every now and then, that is until she decides to break up with me again.

I really should let go, walk away, protect myself. But I can't. I still love her.

Confused

Day 2. Still can't get over it. Fucking confused right now. I just want to know where I stand with her. Should I be waiting for good news from her? Am I just a friend? Still her boyfriend? Or still just a potential husband to be?

Really crushed by this. First gf. 3 years together. This will not be easy to get over. And the problem is, I don't even know if I should be trying to get over it.

Going crazy.

It's now day 2 since I last knew about it. Calming down a bit, but it still hurts so much. The worst part is that I'll be leaving in a few days and once I'm not in Singapore, I fear all hope will be lost.

She's been pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. If she just wants to be friends, why can't she just say so? If she wants to be with me, then say so. I really just want closure.

This really sucks. Should I have lived a lie and just ignore that she was with the other guy? Could I? I actually think I might.

Polyamourous?

To give some perspective on what she has actually done.

She cheated on me when we were first together. With 2 other guys. She ends up with Guy A.

She then cheats on Guy A to be back together with me.

Now she is once again cheating one me to be with this other guy.

But I still love her.

Resurfacing

Just when I thought this blog could be laid to rest.

I have come back here to read the entries that I wrote last time and thought about the shit that happened. But I was happy cause I was back with her. We lasted for more then 2 years this time. A record when it comes to her I guess. (I know a gap exist in between these posts, but yeah, we got together and since I was happy, I saw no need to post anything here)

Sad to say, I am here once again, writing into a diary held in the internet that no one actually reads. But I need to get this off my chest.

It started innocently enough. A family day out with pictures taken. But what's this? A family photo, but who was actually taking it? Knowing her, it wouldn't have been a passer by.

Then a comment on one of the photos, "Congrats on your new relationship". She acts blur, and I try to rescue her, or give her a way out. And she took it, playing up the fact that she was in a FB relationship with JH.

Then there was this time I called her at night. She told me she was at home, but there wasn't the usual sounds of talking and TV that you hear at her house. And after talking for a while, she abruptly says she needs to go. Methinks she was at his house.

And then it starts to get really suspicious when she starts posting that she's really happy on FB. And when I ask her about it says she'll tell me when I'm back in SG.

And then I start seeing her close friends being very close to this guy and that was when the suspicion started to get a bit more real.

And then I ask her to take some time off to go HK with me but she says she can only make the weekend. I ask her to share the hotel room with me, but she says she's staying with her relative. And the next thing I knew, she said she was going to be spending a week there with a friend and that they were going to be staying in the same hotel room.

And when we're in HK, she doesn't want to spend time with me, but rather with that guy. And then it hit me, she didn't love me anymore.

Stuck in this rut I can't get out of

Once again I am back in that rut. That same rut I was in when we broke up. WHY THE FUCK AM I SO OBSESSED OVER ONE GIRL?!

What went wrong? I have no idea as well. Now that I know she's attached, it seems to much easier to make the choice. I'll just continue being friends with her. Don't know if she's willing to continue being friends with me though. It's just that being lied to sucks. Despite me telling her that I believe her, deep down inside, I just know that she's lying.

I think this would really conclude the Alice saga. No way in hell are we going to ever be together again.

Now when I lie in bed, I end up not being able to sleep. I wonder how will I ever get out of this rut again.

Find a way back into love?

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night

I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

She played this song to me when we were in the car yesterday. I think I'm definitely reading too much into it, but still it gives me hope.

I'm really having a lot of fun with her at the moment, but I wonder why this sudden change from her? This is all so confusing.

I want to go to stay at her house before Tioman. but it's o weird, and I'm not sure how to get out of Remi's house arrangement. And seeing her mother and father will definitely be weird.

Sigh. AFC that's what I am.

Interesting?

I must say, it's been a pretty interesting few days.

1. I have asked her about the whole affair. I know why she decided to break up with me, and according to her, why she was with that other guy. I don't know how to view it. On one hand, elation that she didn't actually love him, but rather pitied him. But did she love me? I can't tell. Also I have no idea if she was lying about the whole thing in the first place. I can't help it. Everything that comes out of her mouth at the moment is suspicious. And yet I still like her. But on the other hand, what does that make her? Someone who can treat a relationship so callously. It scares me on the other hand.

2. She then asked me a very interesting question.
"If you close your eyes, who pops up? Me or her?" In reference to Rachel.
WHAT! I did that and it was her who popped up. Not to say Rachel was bad, but at the end of the day, Rachel made me frustrated more then happy.
But more importantly, what does it all mean? Why ask me such a question?

3. I told her I still liked her and she said she still liked me as well. Note it's like and not love. I should have asked her what sort of like it is. Play her mind games with her. Is it the "gf-bf" sort of like, or good friend sort of like?

Somehow these few days seem much happier to me. There seems to be a chance with her, or at least I'm getting to talk to her and go out with her. All these seem to make me pretty happy.

On a side note, I finally talked with that pretty girl who worked in my office space. Jeslyn's here name. :)

Not so confused

Not so confused right now, or even more confused? I guess I don't know, which would probably place me in the confused side...

For the past 2 days I have sent her an SMS each. She replied to each one and then when I replied, she didn't. Pretty obvious she wants to keep contact, but not get too close. Sigh. It reminds me of when we were at the end of the relationship.

I think she watched Music and Lyrics already, so I decided that I would go watch it myself, since there was no way I would be able to get her to watch it. It was actually good and a feel good movie at that, which went some way to helping me out of this current rut. I did feel good after the movie. But it also reminded me of the good times, when it would be the 2 of us watching it.

Now I'm considering going back into hiding from her. It hurts so much. I really haven't gotten over her. Why? She cheated on me. She cheated on others. So why do I still hold her so dear?

Today, this girl actually said "hello" to me. She was quite pretty and I guess in the past I did smile at her when I walked past. I did say "hi" back at her but stopped at that. Was I afraid to get to know another girl? I don't know. Or maybe I'm just shy.

God, why did this happen to me. Why couldn't I have just fallen in love with a girl and that be my last and only one.

God... how I wish...

Glad?

Here I am once again. I thought I would have placed this blog to rest. Or rather I could have placed this blog to rest. But in a way I'm glad I didn't as I would never have been able to dig it up again.

I thought I had gotten over her, but apparently not. One thing that Rachel said to me when we were still together is that I hadn't gotten over her. And it hurt, mainly because now that I think of it, it's true. I haven't gotten over her.

Yesterday we went to Vivocity. It was with a bunch of other friends and it was to watch an uninteresting movie, with a mediocre dinner and so-so drinks. But I think it was one of the happiest moments I have had for months. And I really really miss her.

But it's confusing. I've learnt that she actually cheated on me while we were together. Which makes me think that she cheated on her previous bf as well (which he blogged about and hence I know about it). But I still like(not love? I don't know) her.

I was chatting with another friend about her and said friend said she could not understand why so many guys would be willing to do so many things about her when they can see her for who she really is. I guess it's part of her charm which I am finding so much trouble getting out of. She managed to make you feel wanted, when a lot of other girls just come across as ice bitches.

Now I am really at a loss. I don't know what to do. I want to be with her and yet I know being with her will only lead to sorrow. She isn't the sort who will be tied down to one person. She is a social butterfly, friendly to everyone. I believe I have grown and matured as a person. I am no longer the clingy sort of person (as probably seem with Rachel, where I felt it was so tiring to meet everyday). Plus I have work which takes up my time and I can see how tired and probably frustrated she was working and I was studying. I do wonder what would happen. Is it possible? I'm so afraid at the moment. I went to sleep thinking of her and woke up thinking of her and them wishing for the oblivion of sleep. I don't want to keep thinking about her, and yet it's going to be so difficult.

God, I really wish to be with her...

Confused

She's like the bane of my life, yet I still love her. Wonder what I did in my previous life to deserve this?

Absolutely confused right now. What does she want?

She doesn't say anything when I say I want to go after her again. And yet when I ask her out for a movie, she brings her suitor along. Ok, it means that she wants me to back off, right? But no, during the movie, she places a bag between herself and the guy. What does this mean? It's all so confusing now. How much more of this can I take?

Really confused now..

I just read a post on the blog of this guy. He was according to her, a very close friend, but she was never attached to him.

Now on his post, he's claiming that they were together and that they broke up and that she orchestrated it. She seeked out a new guy while they were together. The thought of that just pains me.

Was everything about her false? What did I really know about her?

I don't know whoes word to trust now?

Looking at her family, I can't see how she turned out this way, but somehow, what the guys wrote rings true. Stuff she said, stuff she does, it makes me think that she really is a schemeing person and because I still love her, I really don't know what to do...

How much of what she said was true? I really don't know.

I thought I was getting over it. But this new revelation turns everything upside down. Was I being used?

In total disarray now. Mind in turmoil. I need someone to talk to.