Girl by the name of C

Her Corny Corniness

To think that it would be so quick a time when I'm back in this blog. I think I am sort of over Alice now but I don't think I ever want to talk to her ever again. It's too great a betrayal, what she did.

But this is not the story of Alice, it's the story of another girl. Her Corny Corniness. Her name start with C. Yes, I'm looking at you Chloe Lim Xin Hui! Haha, if you find this through Google, then this would be awkward.

I've been trying to meet more people online and managed to get to know here. Things started out well enough, we exchanged messages and got to know each other better. I really enjoyed her sense of humour and laughed numerous times at her messages. Then one day, it just stopped. As it so happened, this is going to turn out to be a rather recurrent theme.

Normally, when that happens, it simply means that the other party is not interested and couldn't be bothered to actually formulate a reply. But I think I was sufficiently enamored by her to send her a follow up message and thankfully she replied and we started hanging out.

To be fair, she started telling me about this other guy chasing her but I put not much stock into it. And then on the second date, she started to ask me things about why the other guy didn't kiss he. Um, was I getting friend-zoned?

It was so hard to tell, at times, she would tell me about how the other guy doesn't suit her. The feelings that I get from her are really good.

I guessed I totally mis-read the situation. Just a couple of days ago, she told me that she was attached. I was shocked. I think it was at that point of time, I realized how much I wanted her. I'm not entirely sure if it was the case of wanting that which I cannot have, or if I truly really wanted her to be mine. I wasn't sure if she accepted him because she felt she had no other choice. But whatever the reason maybe, after a little more probing from me, I realized that she genuinely liked this person. That he fulfilled 90% of her wants and needs in a partner. It was absolutely crushing.

But all I can do right now is to wish her all the best and hope she finds the happiness that she deserves. Maybe I'm a pussy for not fighting for what I want, but then again, after Alice, I don't want to put another guy through what I had to go through multiple times.

I'm not even sure I love Chloe, but I sure as well would liked to have tried. Ah well, cest la vie.

Another dream

The dreams are coming thick and fast now. I'm really missing Starfish I guess.

This dream was about her coming to look for me. She didn't say much, but looked very haggard and down. I asked her why? Was it because she missed me. She burst out in tears and said yes. I hugged her and said that I missed her too. I asked her to be strong.

I think the important thing was that I told her, "You know that we can never be together again, right?"
"You should have thought about all these before doing the things that you did."

She ended up throwing a tantrum cause I wasn't giving in to her or doing things her way, and at that moment in time, my heart broke and I wanted her to be happy again. I didn't want her to be angry or unhappy. But I think equally importantly, I told her that I can be whatever we were before we broke off. I can keep her company, I can talk to her, I can go out and do things with her. But I will not be her boyfriend ever again. She had hurt me one too many times.

I guess I really miss her a lot. I really love her a lot. But at the end of the day, I have also come to realization that we can never be together ever again. I think it wouldn't hurt me so much right now in reality if she had actually shown that she was sad and missed me too. But that is sadly just a fantasy. She doesn't miss me. She had stopped loving me a long time ago. This breakup didn't hurt her as much as it hurt me.

I need to be positive. I need to stop wallowing in self pity. I need to pick myself up and move on with life. My life will be better without her.

Happiness.

Went to her place yesterday while she was out to see Bin Bin. Took him for a walk and played with him a little after that. Scratched his tummy. That was the first time I felt happy these couple of days.

I was wondering if I would break down going to her place. Apparently not. It would be very different if she were there, but since she was not, it wasn't so bad. I hope I can maintain that distinction. It seems that she really doesn't care anymore. I mean I know that, I just have to start to accept that. There will be no more next time. Relief? Sadness?

I think I really miss Bin Bin a lot. He had been a part of my life for almost a year. He was there with me while she was not. He does not judge. He licked my tears and tried to comfort me. I will make it a point to visit him often. He does not deserve this.

Dreams

I always end up having really weird dreams about her when we break up. This time was no different.

I dreamt that I finally got a call. Unfortunately, the call was from GC. However, it was her that was talking to me on the phone. She was with him and I could hear him in the background. She asked me if she could bring me to Indonesia for some fire festival, with him in the background telling her stuff about it.

My stomach churns thinking about it. It's so painful.

Bin Bin

What's gonna happen
Jie jie and Kor Kor are apart now
I'm staying with Jie jie
What about Kor Kor
I miss him already
I miss his scratches on my belly
I miss his smell
I miss my walks with him
I miss him calling me his "good boy", his "buddy"
I miss him giving me my weekly bath
I miss sitting on his lap while he drives

If only I were more evolved
I would say this is best for them
One is unhappy
The Other is unhappy cos one is unhappy
I want them happy
But I'll never forget that night when
I learnt that tears is salty and when
I scorned my uncanny ability of hearing

This was the poem she wrote for Bin Bin. I miss that silly little bugger. I miss her.

I wonder if she's just projecting her feelings onto Bin Bin, i.e. she misses my smell, my walks with her. I don't know.

My heart breaks seeing pictures like this. :(

Haha?

Well, what do you know? Here we are again. I had thought I would never have to use this blog again. I was happy. I thought she was happy. I was so wrong.

I found out that she was cheating on me. Again. Yes again. The feeling sucks. But it doesn't suck as much as knowing that she doesn't love me anymore. I had previously felt it, but attributed it to her being pissed that I didn't have time to spend with her due to my school work. I should have looked back and saw the danger signs.

Anyway, I ended up confronting her over it. I asked her to make a choice, which she refused. She didn't want to make a choice, but I feel that she had already made up her mind. She had stopped loving me already. She had not dumped me simply because she felt obligated and that she had done me wrong, and that she needed to by punished for it. Imagine that. Punished for it, implying that it was punishment to stay with me and that it was torturous to do so. That was painful.

I had long conversations with her, both on whatsapp and in person. Sometimes she gave me hope, at other times, she just didn't show anything, which hurt even more. She claimed that the other guy was not in the picture, and I sort of believed her. But at the same time, I felt that if he never came into the picture, I would still be together with Starfish.

But it sadly, isn't meant to be either. I mean, we could have still been together, but it would just have been covering over the cracks. I was more angry and pissed that she didn't communicate her anger and frustration at what I was doing. Why were we not having this conversation before? Why only have it now? She says that she didn't want to threaten to break up all the time and use emotional blackmail. I wished she had. I believe I could have at least tried harder. This is so hard to take.

The feeling of wanting to hold her hand and she not wanting to let me. The feeling of hugging her to sleep and not getting it reciprocated. Of saying that I missed her, only for her to say "ok". That hurt. I think she may have done it to make me lose morale and make the decision for her, and break up with her, when she herself did not have the guts to do it. But does it really matter now? It doesn't. :(

I still love her and would take her back anytime. But the outside pressure is now to great. It will never happen again. Everyone knows that she's broken up with me again. My parents would disown me if I ever got back with her. But you know what? I would still do it. I love her too much.

Maybe this is the love-struck, heart-broken boy speaking. But I don't really care. All I want is to love and be loved. But I was not loved anymore, so I had to leave. This hurts so much.

I wish her all the happiness in the world, I really hope that this new guy is the one. But even she is not sure. He's young. 21. Studying to be a doctor. And while he does things that makes her like him very much, I have serious misgivings about his character. Still I hope she's happy and things work out for her. She's no longer young and if things don't work out with him, it's going to be difficult to have kids for her. I know she loves kids and wants to have them, sadly, it's not with me.

I love her
I love her
I love her

On my own, pretending she's beside me.
All alone, I walk with her till morning.
Without her, I feel her arms around me.
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and she has found me.

Not every story has a happy ending and my story didn't end well.

I've got a crush!

Hmmm seems like I've got a crush.

You know, the typical symptoms.

The world stopping, the sun shines brighter, your heart skips a beat when she smiles at you. You go gaga when talking to her, trying desperately not to mess up.

She's got lots of things that I really admire. We shall have to see how things go. Some things are holding me back, rather major things in fact.

It might end up just being a crush.

Or it might lead to something new.

Exciting times.

My little sis.

I guess this entry means that this blog will not just be about her. It will be about entries that I do not feel comfortable letting other people see. It will be entries that show me stripped bare at my most vunerable.

This entry will be about my little sister. She got married today. Of course I'm happy for her and glad that she won't be left on the shelf. Alas, it is also tinged with a lot of sadness. She's moving out to stay with her husband. I mean I've stayed with her for 24 years of my life. I'm really going to miss having her around.

I will always remember the fun I had with her when we were kids. I guess her tom-boyish-ness should be my fault as I led her on one male testosterone filled game after another when we were kids. I remember one incident where I lead her to fake taking a bath, even with fake shouts of fighting that we normally had when we were bathing together. The time taken to fake the whole thing and effort required were probably even more then taking an actual bath, but we had a blast.

I remember building castles using cushions and thread and bringing her on cycling trips to the playground. I remember playing make believe soldiers and monsters and being the monster so she could have fun killing me. I remember making her play with me even when all she wanted was to play with her dolls.

But things changed. I remember the incident that caused us to grow apart. So much so that the rift never really recovered and I never enjoyed a close relationship with my sister when we grew up. We never really confided in each other and never really spoke much. If I could turn back time, I would go back and reverse what I did that day and hope that things would have been different.

I remember that we were arguing, about what I remember not, but we ended up pushing each other and 1 particular shove from me caused her to fall back upon a cupboard and injure her ankle. She was furious with me for months and I couldn't be bothered to talk to her either. And since that fateful day, we just drifted apart.

I have always cared for her and loved her in my own way. I probably could have shown it a little better. But what's done is done, and I shall have to try to have a better relationship with her in the future.

In my heart, she is still the young little baby sister that I always had fun with. I will always remember her as such.

Right now I am fighting back tears and wishing that she was right here in the house with us all.

Ger, mei mei, ying zhao, I will miss you dearly.

Weird

Today a friend told me he saw her a few days back. He said he saw here at Kallang having supper with a friend. He does not know the story at all.

It was weird that he just said that she was eating with a friend. Cause I mentioned that Kallang was where the new bf stays and he said, almost as an afterthought, that "Yeah, it was probably her bf".

She rarely had supper with me. :(

She rarely has supper near my place with me. :(

Somehow this news affected me more then I wanted it to. I can tell I am not really over her yet. It's sad. Ah well, I need to just move on. She obviously already has.

I miss her.

Good news?I

I still am obsessed about her. I still think about her. I still love her. But maybe, just maybe, I am finally over her.

I dreamed of her last night. I dreamed that she was coming on the me. The new guy was in the background, yet she still threw herself at me. She said that I was her dada. I rebutted that I wasn't anymore. She left. I didn't wake up crying. Maybe, just maybe, I can finally say that I am over her.

Mmmmm

I would like to think that I'm over her. It doesn't hurt as much these days. But I still miss her so much. 3 years together can't just be erased just like that.

I've had another 2 consecutive nights dreaming about her. At least I don't wake up sobbing.

The first dream was just a simple dream. She came back. She said that she had broken up with the other guy. Haha, as if. But it felt blissful.

The second dream was just her appearing in my life again, and attempting to give me the talk. She just said that she missed me when I was gone and that when another guy turned up in her life wearing a red shirt (his facebook pic is of him wearing a red shirt), she just latched on to that guy. 

I don't really know what to make of it. I want to move on, to try to befriend other girls and maybe find someone else, but somehow, I know my heart just isn't in it. I'll only be doing it for the sake of doing it.

I guess I need a little more time.

I've done it.

Or at least I think. I've finally really decided to let go. Maybe.

As you can tell, I'm not exactly in a very good state of mind now. Seeing pictures of her on facebook with her new beau hurts me more then I care to admit. She never brought me for these sort of things. Why? She finally cares about someone to let then world know they are together. Not for any of her previous bfs. I wonder why again.

I've deleted her from my contact list on FB. I don't think she'll even notice. Next step is to delete her from MSN, but I can't really bring myself to do that yet. Gimme some more time...

Down again

Been having dreams about her consecutively for the past 2 days. I thought I was over it. Apparently I'm not.

The dreams range from her coming back to me, to dreams where she tells me no more. I am heartbroken and I cannot deny it. Talking to other girls just makes the difference between them and her so much greater. I really love her. Looking at her pictures that she sent me, I could tell she loved me as well. What changed? I like to say I don't know, but deep down I know.

I wasn't there for her when she needed me.

Starfish, I miss you and I love you still.

Who do I dream of now

She asked me once, when I close my eyes, who did I see. It was her, it was always her and it still is.

And yet, last night, I didn't dream of her. I dreamt of the air pronunciation classes. The only thing that turns me on more then an asian girl speaking with a british accent is an asian girl speaking with an oirish accent.

What did the dream mean? It probably hints that I need someone to talk to and that I had shared a relationship with the stewardness where we could talk very closely.

But right now, when I close my eyes, I can only see her.

How I Feel

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - Breakeven lyrics

Sinking feeling

This sinking feeling in my stomach. The feeling that I will never know
her touch again, never feel her soft lips upon mine, never stare into
the her eyes, never tell her how perfectly her hand fits mine, never
smell the sweet fragrances of her hair, never meld her body to mine.

I feel like vomitting while eating but I have no choice. I must eat to live. :(

--
Sent from my mobile device

Time will dull all wounds

A friend told me that time will heal all wounds.

Another told me that's not true. Time will dull all wounds. The wounds will always be there.

This can only be very true for my case.

She was my first gf. She stole my first kiss. She will always have that special place in my heart. If I get another girl friend, I wont' be able to love that gf 100% cause at least 1% will always be with her.

It's not fair. To anyone I eventually be with. But I cannot, I will not go back to her. I have decided as much. So help me, if the time comes, I can be strong.

Of dreams and sobbing

Had another dream about her last night.

We basically met up to have the talk. She told me that she grew bored and has stopped loving me a long time ago. In fact she had dated my cousin and another friend behind my back. It hurt so bad.

I asked her if we could remain as friends and all she said was, "For what? I'm bored of you." and she walked away before I could say anything further.

I cried so hard that I woke up sobbing. I've woken up with tears in my eyes, but this is the first time I've woken up actually physically sobbing away. It hurts so bad.

I still love her but I must let go.

I need to have closure from the talk but I don't know when I can get it.

Why? I don't understand why.

2 Weeks

It's been almost 2 weeks since I learnt that she doesn't want me anymore. I am swinging between hating her so much to missing her so much.

I hate her cause she cheated on me. She cheated on other guys. I wonder how many other guys are there out there that I do not know of. Was CS one as well? She didn't spend time with me. She lied constantly. She didn't like to have sex (with me?) She just didn't love me as much as I loved her.

But I love her and miss her cause she was perfect for me. I wonder if there is anyone out there who can meet the standards that she fits. She's pretty and smart. She unicycles. She loves Neil Gaiman. She is geeky in her own way. She's beautiful and intelligent, sporty and geeky. I love her so much.

But I must not, can not look back. I must protect myself. I must not let myself get hurt by her again. I must not let my heart be shattered anymore. I love you but I cannot be with you. I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, telling her I love you, but I cannot be with you, for you have hurt me too badly.

Dreams

Been having lots of dreams about her recently. Most of them are about us being back together.

Last night was about seeing her new boyfriend mistreating her and not giving her enough TLC. She came back to me, but once again she does not tell the other guy. Once again I have to live a lie.

I need to get it into my head that we should not get back together but my heart will not allow it.